file this under..."stuff i need to say..."

Sweet Mariah

Squirming baby, newly born,
Tiny breathe, sweet and warm.

Rosebud lips and cheeks so pink,
Momma barely sleeps a wink.

At Mother’s breast, a happy sigh,
Falls asleep with a lullaby.

Today a bottle, tomorrow a spoon
From cradle to walking, much too soon.

Soft dark hair with a tiny curl,
Gonna grow up a Daddy’s girl.

So hush little babe, a don’t you weep,
Angels shall watch over you while you sleep.

By Patty Bickle

Mariah Patricia Bickle - 9-11-96

finality...

i am home again...three days in the hospital this time.

the tumor in my head sometimes causes me to have difficulty swallowing food or drink.

of late, i believe occurrences of difficulty swallowing have triggered some sort of respiratory event, like constriction of bronchi or something.

last trip the ER doc offered to keep me or let me go home again...

as i seem to keep returning, i asked to stay in hopes of finding the cause..and maybe keep my ass alive a little while longer.

so they let me loiter around in one of their beds and later decided that they see some pneumonia in one of my lungs...

if they had looked close enough the first time i was there the risks following could have been avoided...

anyhow....

unfortunately, the last two weeks have left me exhausted..physically and emotionally.

i have to dig deeply to find strength to continue this . . . .


i don't know how to say goodbye.

another ...

another respiratory episode left me unconscious twice yesterday, waking (barely) just enuf to call the neighbor to help me just a bit. she elected to contact medics, and in short order my apartment was once again full of uniformed city personnel.

i hate getting carried outta here all the time...
at least it wasn't in a bag, although it was close this time...

dunno for sure how long i was out, but i have an hour or so of lost time so i 'spose that's a clue.

docs can't seem to find the cause of my breathing difficulties, so i am on my own figure this mess out before the chapter ends early.

i was feeling good. i had been up, made a batch of ice cream in my new ice cream maker, peeled and cut up a couple of sweet potatoes for sweet potato fries...very yummy btw.

i remember choking just a little on a beverage, then fade to black.
i woke for a bit, very hot and drenched in perspiration...
i tried to pee, but passed out again sitting in that room...
i woke slumped against the wall next to me...again, screaming hot and sweating like crazy...
finally making it to the front room again, calling the neighbor for assistance...

one of these days my ass isn't gunna wake up....

all right.. that's enough.

all right, that's enough of this business......


a friend had planned to come over to help me with some odds and ends the last two days,
but a yukky sinus infection has sidelined her for a bit.

so when another friend called and offered to take me to lunch, i happily accepted.
he and i go to lunch from time to time, and it is therapeutic for us both.

it gets me out of the house, and we chat about life, and an assortment of other things...
he has suffered a significant back injury at work and faces chronic pain and debilitation from the injury so we have much in common.

however, today while sharing lunch, i started having some problems breathing...
very shortly i approached a level short of conscious and my friend elected to call the medics and they carted my happy ass off to the local hospital...again.

a couple breathing treatments, a few chest x-rays, an ekg thing, and a butt load of blood work, including a arterial blood gas, (ABG), which is usually very painful, but this lady was OFF THE HOOK.
i barely felt the deep vein injection... for which i was grateful, as these guys had already stuck me two or three times, including once in the ambulance.. i told that paramedic there was no was he would find his vein, but he HAD TO TRY!
she finished quickly and was sure to admonish to me... "Did you expect anything else?" . . . "I did about a hundred of these on your Mom.."
another small world moment.
it's been in excess of twelve years since her passing, and she remains in the hearts and minds of those she touched.
a few more hours of oxygen and observation and a phone chat with another of my docs and the local guy cut me loose.
the friend kind enough to feed my wretched soul was also kind enough to come fetch my bony butt from the hospital, although his wife drove...(i'm afraid that spoke to the impact to his frail back my day has brought to him)
he saw me to the door, and ensured i parked myself where i should
no making this worse now ~!
i resisted the urge to get up for drink or anything else for that matter....
i did what i was told and soon fell into slumber, despite napping well at the hospital
i was woken by another friend calling to make sure i was still above ground
and here i sit.
although respiration is still shallow, i am lucid for the moment and i'll take that
i''ll kick on the the oxygen concentrator and hope that i don't repeat this business anytime soon.

i did end the evening with a chat on the phone with my little one...
(although she's just not so little anymore)
she's an elusive bug... not always easy to get pinned down long enough talk to
that makes today a good day.

bleak ?

my oldest is out of our home with a new boyfriend 11 yrs her senior
me ex has taken my youngest to nevada for at least the summer…probably more
at this time, i am powerless to affect any of this

court dates looming on the horizon forebode a long feared outcome…

despite my docs brightest outlook, my symptoms continue to degrade..
double vision is back more often than not,
eating the simplest of foods, meds, even liquid are difficult at best to swallow
using the bathroom is problematic everyday…
somewhat suprisingly, breathing has become enough of a problem of late to warrant a trip to ER.


this is the slow degradation that i have long feared


i grow more and more tired…





this is becoming too much..

Symptoms worsen...

again, i wake in the early early hours of the morning

again, i wake, my shirt sodden with sweat

again, i find myself reaching for conscious

i am hot, struggling to breathe, searching for my phone

my friend doesn’t answer.
another call, to another friend, also goes unanswered. geez.

today is worse. i am clearly in worse shape than before.
there is indication of loss of - conscious.
freekin’ MRI sez i am better, but new symptoms dispute that diagnosis.

i manage to get my bony white ass into my electric scooter and drive over to my breathing treatment machine
i get the meds in the nebulizer bowl and turn it on…in hopes of better breathing - i sit and rest, breathing in the cool mist
when the mist stops, my struggle for air continues, seemingly unaffected by the drug laced vapor.

this is not good. i should be better.
the hospital i know, doesn’t have a lot more than i have at home.

my phone rings… the first person i called is calling me back. we talk, sort of.. my voice is very weak…soft, hard to hear over the phone. he understands well enough to come here, and we ultimately go to the local hospital. once there, i am thankful that for once there is no one else being treated

another breathing treatment with a higher dose of meds and some oxygen seems to open things up and again i can breathe unhindered
the doc orders a different steroid to be taken for a few days and recommends i follow up with my regular doc.

i fear that this event is an indication of the slow degradation that i have been afraid of for so long.
not much else could be a worse development in my condition

now this morning the sun is out and i think i’ll motor out and get some sun.
forget for just a bit that i am so sick...

i wish i could drive.. take the car to a local river park… burn a few burgers and dogs…

ahh well.

thursday...

i woke this morning around 1:00a.m.
struggling to breathe…my shirt drenched in sweat…
i struggle to sit up…i reach for my blood pressure cuff…to see how bad i am.
do i need to go?
i resist calling an ambulance…they are so freekin’ expensive!

finally it reports…87/56...pulse at 101…these numbers aren’t good.
the person i call to take me to ER doesn’t answer…damnit.

i try to think back…did i take my morphine the right way?
i wonder - - did i wake half way and take a second dose by mistake and overdose myself? damnit~!

i need to sit up – to get up…push myself to a conscious state.

this is what i have feared the most… i’m alone, struggling to breathe.
yeah, i’m joe tough guy if i can meet death on my own terms. quick and easy..
i can walk in front of a bus with no problem. lights on, lights out. done.
not waking up is just fine.
this fucking around BS ain’t cool.
does that make me a coward?
i hope not.

i drift off to sleep again…
sometime later i will awake again…still feeling hot, sweating like crazy, breathing still labored and shallow.
as before, i find it difficult to move
i need to pee…i finally find the strength and clarity to stagger off to the water closet and take care of that.
later my nose will cause me to question if i actually made it in time.{did i pee myself just a little? eeww ~!}
i return and sit awake for a bit...test my blood pressure again…
my head hurts like hell but i feel good enough to refrain from another emergency room trip
i let myself drift off to sleep again, well knowing i could have just as easily not awoke
one of these times my ticker is going to slow down just a little to much