Man vs Wild

Wow…

My home is currently being invaded non stop…by little black ants that refuse to leave. I have set out three kinds of poison.. scrub and clean and wipe the damn counter top over and over…the march continues. It seems they don’t know this is supposed to kill them.. or at least discourage them sufficiently to go elsewhere….
The crap I got at walmart did little to ward the little bastards off so I went to home depot in hopes of finding something a little more robust. One of their associates was more than happy to help me find a few things and even offered special assistance in checking out, handling my purchases etc.

My oldest kid convinced me to leave shortly after finding what we needed, narrowly averting the dreaded up and down aisle after aisle lost for hours in delusional wandering…

Leaving home depot, Miranda wanted a slushy from the place in front of the store.. she remembers them fondly and had her heart set on one.. so we got her one and mariah was hungry but when given the choice preferred in ‘n out as opposed to the dog or smoked sausage on the menu there….

Shortly after getting our food at the burger place… a guy came up to our table, introduced himself and asked permission to pray for me. To pray for healing and relief from my pain. Healing for myself and for my family. Seems he was passing through…lives up in the Mariposa / Yosemite region and felt compelled to touch me. Hmm.
Thank you, Dave.

I must really look like hell…twice in the space of an hour or so, total strangers went out of their way to try and help me…
I’m wearing clean fresh clothes,, brushed my tooth…kids were very well behaved…
Geez.

In the wild the lame get eaten…
A limping or lagging herd animal is quickly consumed by a predator.
The culling of the weak ensures the survival of the stronger of the species…

Evolved are we?



Uhm..
Unsure what to think of yesterday.
Still processing…


Feedback is welcome…

title? I hate trying to title these damn blogs...

Have had another run of crappy days…mediocre success managing pain.
Makes me real bitchy…Not fair to other people in the house, but they do a pretty good job of recognizing when I’m hurting and don’t take it personally.

Latest on tumor status is just waiting… watching... reducing meds…watching monitoring symptoms. MRI’s for me will be months apart now unless new symptoms require sooner.
Stress tests for my ticker next week… Seems the steroids used to treat the tumor in my head have lead to a buildup of water on the left side of my heart. Some elevated enzyme count indicates trouble I should be checking on. Hmm.

Mariah is also at a “monitoring” status…her pediatric ophthalmologist basically said “no worries” regarding the findings in her last MRI so I am breathing a helluva lot easier.

Me - ? I’m trying to stay focused on big picture stuff.
Some people tell me - - Try to focus on what you can do not what you can’t do.

That’s an awesome cliché’. It would be even more awesome if I could.
Ain’t easy to do. Yeah, I know.. I should just do it. Right? The problem is, I have too many days that are completely consumed with doing stuff that should be brief and simple.

I can’t drive my happy ass to the store for groceries or to see the doc or pick my kid up from school. Simple stuff seems to take a long time. It gets to be a drag.
I know it’s not the end of the world… Lots of people get along with no car at all, so it’s not that different. Losing my independence is difficult, disheartening.

I would just like to be able to do those things…little trips and stuff with them would be nice.
So we are somewhat limited to “family” time together here at home. All three of us like food and cooking so we find the kitchen comforting.
Mariah and I made like three batches of cookie dough the other night…We haven’t baked them yet, and between the two of those girls I am lucky there is any cookie dough left to bake at all.

Mariah cooked dinner from beginning to end the other night for her sister and her bf, herself and me. She loved it…breaded chicken tenderloin strips, made potatoes and corn…refused any help.
None of it from prepared bags from the freezer. No heat and eat here.

Either of them can handle themselves in the kitchen with no reservations…I started working with them when they were each about four yrs old…spilling pancake batter on the counter top~!
We had one of those electric flat countertop griddles, making pancakes with Bisquick mix. (I like to teach them how to from scratch, but we’re not always completely neurotic).
Anyway, they can do just about anything in the kitchen they want to… even handling flare-ups come off without a flinch. It comes from having the “hands-on” “yes, you can do it” experiences. I let (make) them do things themselves. They hate it sometimes. Watching them learn…seeing them learn…is just awesome. I try to help sometimes. I start to explain something, teach something and they roll their eyes or get frustrated with me. “Dad! I know how to do it, leave me alone!”

here again...

I've been sleeping for days...

I've been trying to evolve from focusing on me in this mess, to focusing on helping my kids through to the ultimate end that seems to be creeping closer than expected.

It's not easy to do when so many days in a row offer no physical or mental relief from the pain.

Crap.

Discord...

Years of strife…
Separation… from me...from them.
Purposefully orchestrated by you...over a willful lie
Time seems shorter now…time is shorter now

You should be ashamed for your actions...more-so ashamed of your lack of action…
(yes I know that “should “ statements are dangerous)
I don’t expect you to understand that ..nor do I expect you to try to understand it...nor do I expect you to even want to understand it)

you’ll proclaim some misguided duty or honor..
trust me it only exists in your world…
here, it’s just sad…you injure those around you with your prideful acts

years have passed since…likely more than either of us has remaining…
how much longer will you continue?
can you not hear the alarm sounding? It continues to ring…
subtly louder and louder as time passes…there is no snooze button…
you simply ignore it…indignantly…

what will you hear when it goes silent?

I wonder if they…if I – aren’t in some way shielded, protected…from further dolor in this separation… perhaps.


they can’t miss what they haven’t had…what they haven’t had the opportunity to experience.

find that in your elegant self-assigned code of honor.



Unfortunate.


.

Silver Bells..

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks

Dressed in holiday style~!

In the air there's a feeling of giving

Children laughing, people passing,

Meeting smile after smile - - -

And on every street corner you hear...

Hey Sweetie, Have you Seen My Mistletoe Belt Buckle? < ;) >

a blog posting...

Well hell…

I love to write.. It feels good.
I like to think I am or was good at it at one time…

I’ve been published…in a nationally printed magazine, and as early as the fifth grade so in the local paper, so I imagine I ain’t so bad.
One problem is tho’ I tend to ramble a bit…very often a bit verbose.
Trying to be perfect, I express everything I want to say in fine detail.

Then, at the risk of not getting it just right I wait to hit “submit”…so things sit on my desk until they no longer relevant.

So, here is the Cliff Notes version of the Readers Digest version of the most recent blog attempt.

Please forgive the horrid grammatical and other errors…


Last January I was diagnosed with a brainstem tumor…
It is believed to be caused by a genetic condition called Neurofibromatosis-1 from my moms’ side of the family.
Its also believed to be benign, but benign just means it ain’t gonna break off and set up shop elsewhere in my body.
It’s still is choking the life oughtta me thru my brainstem… things like vision, taste, breathing, heartbeat, bowel control… all will degrade over time until I am completely without control…

Soooo…

Nf-1 has always been a fact of life for our family. But was mostly disregarded as a nuisance. Chalked up to a condition of mostly of cosmetic concerns…usually small fibroid tumors that from just under the skin…although other more serious tumors can and do form deeper in tissue…
The medical statistic says the chances were 50/50 that a child of an nf-1 parent would pass on the traight..(a genetic malformation at chromosome 17) … I happened to get it, my brother did not… out of my two daughters, my oldest escaped, my youngest did not.
Although she was diagnosed at birth, her mother and I never gave the condition much thot.. it simply was not considered much of a serious health risk..until a tumor made its appearance on my brainstem.
Until now, she was scheduled for mri’s every two years or so to be sure that there were no tumors starting in her head ..you see the lining between her brain and skull are a favorite place of nf-1 tumors to sprout.
Although my new condition doesn’t change the statistics for her developing any new condition, it certainly got the attention of her mother and I. As it turns out, that during periods of hormonal flux, (puberty, pregnancy, and menopause) there is an increased risk of tumor development so my daughters’ pediatric neurologist recommends mri’s every year instead of every two. (the idea that my daughter each has our own neurologist is unsettling)

January 08 - What the hell two for one.. we’ll have Mariah get an mri at UCSF while dads getting’ his… why make two trips? Hmmm...
Dads starting his radiation treatment because brainstem tumors are inoperable…
No surgery.. just radiation..
Chemo is an option.. sort of.. maybe later…more on that later…

So Mariah gets her freekin mri… and it’s all good. Right? Uhm, no.
Damn mri reveals a few things we find curious.. not specifically alarming.. but surely curious. Things that weren’t on previous MRI’s.
Sonofabitch.

MRI shows two “anomalies”…one on the optic nerve behind her left eye, the other in the optic nerve channel behind her right eye.
Doc says now we look at mri’s every six months,. (More frequent = elevated interest)
Sonofabitch.

My mother was sick with respitory disease for many years. Rarely did she ever complain. I regret deeply that I did not do more for her. We spent many holidays in hospitals…At the time I was oblivious to my insensitivity - what a fool I was…so young.

The thought of my child facing similar difficulties scares me.I am happy that she is getting the attention the situation needs in the appropriate time.
Had my tumor been discovered years ago, I would be blogging a different blog tonight.

The thot of her facing a shred of the nightmare I have terrifies me.

I have a headache now.

home again...

i dont know who was told and who wasnt...

i went in the hospital sunday but i am home now.

i have been making meds changes, and from what i know about my condition and the meds i am prescribed it is likely the reduction in steriods that is responsible for my symptoms.

a return to a more rigorous dose of 'roids and more antibiotics should put me back on my feet...
i still feel like hell, but at least i will be home for T-day.

i am looking forward to the dinner my daughter is planning, she is already very good in the kitchen..both culinarily and creatively.

i feel another blog rustling around in my head..i expect it will show itself soon...


Happy Thanksgiving to everyone...May your day be spent with friends and family, good food and promising tomorrows...