damned clock...

greeaat~!

here it is 4:30 a.m., and again I am unable to sleep.

this happens to me from time to time. about this time of morning i find myself having to decide if i try and eek out a few hrs sleep until the sun comes up and asks me to rise and act in a somewhat civilized manner. accomplish all those waking hour things, like pay bills, feed kids, (and myself), over see homework, dodge bill collector phone calls etc, or do i just submit to the loss, get up and drudge thru the coming day short on sleep?

crap. i just ain’t as young as i once was. all nighters take their toll inna big way now.

today the coin landed on 'get yer ass up and deal.'

so soon i will be staggering into the kitchen and making hot breakfast for my kids...

likely sourdough pancakes and a glass of orange juice.
they will likely be thankful if i accomplish preparing the meal quietly enough to not wake them clattering dishes and pans...otherwise they will be typical grumbly morning teenagers.

another cost of this Slumberous Interruptus (sorry, its early, or late, or something - and that’s my Wile E. Coyote Latin – in my head, it’s funny)... anyway, another cost is that the stress it causes my body and mind can easily translate into significant pain control problems, so I will be loading up on morphine early in the game.

i’ll need to be careful today to not be bitchy or my kids will gang up on me and compound my hangover like discomfort. I am hormonally outnumbered in this house and should better learn to keep my head down and my mouth shut.

Good morning all~!!

Eureka ~ !

Wow..

It”s been awhile since I have been up to blogging…

Physically or emotionally…
But I am sitting here now getting some stuff down.. (then I gotta put it up on the blog so in this case, what goes down must go up….)

Odd… anyway..

I’ve decided I’m a complete idiot.
I’ve always likened to think of myself as an intelligent person.
I’ve never really been afraid of tackling some perceived hurdle.. unafraid to push limits, bend or break rules….notorious for resolving bothersome workplace obstacles others could not.

Raising two young daughters on my own as a single father was daunting but easily doable in my mind

Changing careers more than once later in life was also challenging but I kept going…
So I never real thot of myself as the victim sort.. and accepting help from others was something I resisted out of..uhm, pride? (I’m a big boy, I do it myself!) sheeesh.

So lately ..being ill I have really just wanted someone to help. Actually, to take over for awhile so I can freeking rest. Spend my time and energy staying alive. getting well.
Well, being a single dad and no one else really here to do shit, I don’t have that luxury. Either we find a way to get it done or it don’t get done.

So I’ve been feeling sorry for myself ‘cuz of all the shit I cant do no mo…how emasculating and dehumanizing it is to have such simple things taken away from you...
what a wuss.

I was (and have been) thinking about simple things I wanna do but cannot.
We love food and cooking here and I love to surprise the girls with hot breakfast some mornings..french toast ort pancakes bacon easy, yummy and a cozy start to the day especially when the weather gets colder.

But I can’t stand long enough to freekin make damn pancakes at the stove so I gave up on it inna snit. Poor me.
Geez.
Is anybody listening? POOR ME! This isn’t fair damnit! POOR ME!.
Anyway.
I brag about teaching my kids to cook at like 4 yrs old. Counter top electric griddle. Bowl of bisquick mix dripping on the counter.. pancakes that don’t make it or get half flipped into oblivion all in the name of teaching wonderful giggling little girls the wonder of warm buttery pancakes and maple syrup.

The other day it dawned on me. That same griddle..would work on the kitchen table…just as well as it would on the countertop. But,, get this… the kitchen table is at a height I can work at.

I could freekin cook freekin breakfast again… maybe it doesn’t sound like much but it sure would mean a bunch o me to be able to do that. I could do it from my electric scooter chair thing…

What a dumbass. Why didn’t I think of this b4? Intelligent? Me? Apparently not so much if it took this long for me to find a solution for a simple prob.
I still will hafta learn to do some stuff left handed.. but that’s ok…

Maybe I’ve been to overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation as a whole ..to busy complaining..
Anyway..moving on.. gonna acquire a grill and commence to sizzling some bacon n eggs and pancakes.

Is this what is called a break thru?

I cant believe I didn’t find this answer sooner. What a waste of time and suffering…

Spent too much timing splashing around in despair to pull up my socks and solve the prob.
Step over the puddle and keep walking. Geez, cliff…


Cliff, yer a dork sometimes.