Pain is...

Pain has been manageable...

Been sleeping way more than normal...
From the adjustments in meds maybe? dunno...
Still carrying the weight preumably gained from steriods.
Double-vision is back enough to make me not wanna drive.
Back and neck are stiff, hard to move.. my left arm gets hot and cold...
Makes me wonder what good radiation did for me...

Waiting to hear what docs have to say about new MRI...
Wondering if chemo is an option and if it will do me any good.
This is not how things are supposed to be.

This damn thing has been robbing me of stuff for awhile, noone ever knew what was up before...Subtle things, over time.. years even...
The symptoms are more pronounced now...not so sublte...Now I am really hurtin'...

OK.. damn left arm and leg are numb. hard to type...back hurts from sitting here...shit.

gonna go put my feet up. maybe come back later.


see you soon~!

Summer begins...

Sooo…the girls are off to Vegas for a few weeks…
Amtrak it is.. freekin’ airfare nearly doubled.. from $120 a pop round trip to just under $400 for the two of them…freekin price of gas…

It’s always weird when they aren’t here…to quiet…
We always need the break from each other buy the time summer gets here…

I think about being alone in the house right now.. I am ok.. but what if something happens? “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” commercial floats thru my mind…

I’ve scheduled the next MRI to check on the progress of the tumor in my head, but otherwise symptoms continue to make life very close to miserable.
I surely hope that this isn’t it… if this is the quality of life I am to expect consistently then we will have to make some adjustments for sure.

grumble.

it's so tiring to do ANYTHING.
takes to long.

today started out with another bad episode of severe pain.
struggled until just now, (2:00P.M.) to get anything under control enough to resemble normalness...

THIS is why my days are unproductive and I am tired.

Geez...

Has anyone seen the "Cash for Gold" TV commercial? website?
A place that will give you cash for jewelry thru the mail, no questions.
Wow. How easy are we gonna make it for people?

Thieves and burglars..mail in your goodies..we'll process it for you and melt it down... no evidence trail.. thank you. Bye now.

http://www.cash4gold.com/?partnerid=Google-Tandem&gclid=CKGxlfyrx5MCFRZZiAodnWWsCA


geez.

ouch...

Sunday night...I hurt...Again. Still. Something. Crap.
I thot I had a reprieve from this.

Last blog entry says it was Wednesday when I came home from the last hospital stay.

Days kinda blur into each other. too much drama in my life. too much pain.
Wanna blog about other stuff.. maybe something other people actually might find interest in.

Sometimes that is challenging. Most of my time now is spent dealing with my illness at one level or another. Managing the condition, side effects, medication, pain, the stack of ($100K and rising)bills ~(and ignoring their calls), etc. Kinda hard to find time to bitch about other shit. Although my ex-wife is sure making a healthy attempt at making the top of the list.


Would be fun to soapbox about politics, economy, the price of gas, health care (the distinct lack thereof), oh yeah, that pesky war.
But by the time I get out of bed, bathe, rest from bathing, dress muhself, it's time for lunch.

Left message with guys at UCSF on Friday...maybe Tuesday they will call about scheduling an MRI. I really wanna find out whats going on in my head. I hurt like hell again, just want to make progress. Wanna know WTF. My condition is terminal...That much I know. What is unknown is how long its going to take to kill me, and how much of hassle it's going to be along the way. Dying doesn't bother me so much...ain't really afraid of that part. Being in pain, or being a drain on my family doing it bothers me. I dont want to lay around taking forever to kick off and I don't them to have to watch me lay around taking forever to kick off.
Fuck THAT.

So now I need to figure living wills and advanced directives and crap.
Geez.

I don't own anything of value, so that part is easy.
Whose gonna argue over when to pull the plug? Hmm. Hmmm.
Maybe argue over who gets to pull it?

My brother drove down for a visit Thursday.. it was nice. I wish I had been in better condition..mentally and phyiscally. Conversation was good, but it was hard for me to stay focused. Moving.. to walk, or bring the damn fork to my mouth at the restaraunt was hard...achey. He brought me fresh eggs from his home, and I will thoroughly enjoy cooking with them. I think of myself as a "foodie", but only in the context that I like to play in the kitchen, pretend I can cook, not in the context that I have any freeking idea that I know what I know am doing.


Gotta run...
Kids are hungry.. AGAIN~!

Home again...

From a few days in the hospital again...

Finally got the docs talking to one another...sheesh.
Changed a few meds.. added others. 11 (yes, eleven) prescribed meds now.

Wounds from "pitting edema" were significant enough that they came in and took pictures of my damn legs. ick.
Also got to do some nuclear xray tests were they had me breathe some radioactive breathing treatment junk and took pictures of my lungs.
Then they injected me with more radioactive contrast media and took more pics of my lungs (and heart?).

Gotta schedule another MRI at UC San Francisco to see how the tumor has responded to the radiation treatment.

Some symptoms have returned, sensations (pressure, pain etc.) in my head an neck that I thot I was done with. Bummer. Not feeling good about this at all.

A doc appt last week found that I am up to 254 lbs. Thats about a 45 lb. gain in 3 1/2 months. I feel awful.

It's late now, and I am tired and I hurt. I am going to bed.
Actually, its to the reclining couch because laying flat is very uncomfortable.

More later...

Pain...

Woke me over an hour ago...
Norco + Morphine...still fuk'd.

Won't stop.


SonofaBitch.


4:30 A.M.