damned clock...

greeaat~!

here it is 4:30 a.m., and again I am unable to sleep.

this happens to me from time to time. about this time of morning i find myself having to decide if i try and eek out a few hrs sleep until the sun comes up and asks me to rise and act in a somewhat civilized manner. accomplish all those waking hour things, like pay bills, feed kids, (and myself), over see homework, dodge bill collector phone calls etc, or do i just submit to the loss, get up and drudge thru the coming day short on sleep?

crap. i just ain’t as young as i once was. all nighters take their toll inna big way now.

today the coin landed on 'get yer ass up and deal.'

so soon i will be staggering into the kitchen and making hot breakfast for my kids...

likely sourdough pancakes and a glass of orange juice.
they will likely be thankful if i accomplish preparing the meal quietly enough to not wake them clattering dishes and pans...otherwise they will be typical grumbly morning teenagers.

another cost of this Slumberous Interruptus (sorry, its early, or late, or something - and that’s my Wile E. Coyote Latin – in my head, it’s funny)... anyway, another cost is that the stress it causes my body and mind can easily translate into significant pain control problems, so I will be loading up on morphine early in the game.

i’ll need to be careful today to not be bitchy or my kids will gang up on me and compound my hangover like discomfort. I am hormonally outnumbered in this house and should better learn to keep my head down and my mouth shut.

Good morning all~!!

surreal...

The Universe is a funny, funny place.

Lots of odd circumstance dangled in front of me these days.
If there is a cosmic lesson to be learned here the instructor is surely having a chuckle with this humble student.

<"watch him do this~!">

like giving a four year old a 9 volt battery to test on his tongue.
i gotta sit back sometimes and think a bit. maybe look around for the candid camera.
yes, i said candid camera. how OLD did u think I was?

I love thundertorms...

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Woke early this morning.. have been sleeping a lot the last few days so I guess I was rested enough to start today early.

The light show and subsequent thunder was awesome...Invigorating…both of my daughters love love love thunder storms. I love that they enjoy the awesome demonstration of nature’s power like that…its great. This mornings thunder woke Miranda.. she enjoyed it but not enough to come crawling out from under her warm comforter.
To have storms so close and powerful that when you go outdoors the hair on your arms stands up and the air around you seems to just sizzle…Makes me feel alive, even past the crappy tumor and all the meds.

Last weeks Avastin kikd me just a little and the first day of Temodar this week kikd me hard…so far today is about mid way. Time will tell how heard this week will be…

I hate chemo. Its nasty nasty business. But it has kept me alive. Given me more time. More time with my daughters,…friends…family. For that I am grateful.

It’s an ugly medicine to fight an ugly disease. I, like many brain cancer victims, am very young. Early forties is way to young to have a terminal condition. Some may argue the use of the word victim, or the “terminal” condition posture. Although I can agree that keeping a positive mindset can improve ones physical and mental condition it is often difficult for me to keep the “thankful for what I have” attitude. Brain tumors aren't caused from smoking or alcohol consumption or anything else, so "victim" works. Just gotta be careful not to think your a "victim".

I certainly have made sacrifices for my kids as all parents do, but I feel like I am being robbed of so much. Lots of things I am unable to do with them now and lots of things I won't ever be able to do..
It’s not easy to not focus on the negative. Each morning I must remember what meds I have taken and what meds I need to take. Any error could prove to be disastrous.

I have found answers to the challenges of things like loss of mobility...not driving, not walking.
They are often hugely inconvenient. I feel as if I am bothersome to those I ask for help. Everyone is busy with their own lives. Who has time to drag my carcass off to dr appt.’s or grocery stores?

My daughters do a good job of taking care of those types of household chores for now, but occasionally we need a little assistance.

The good news is that I am walking again… I mean I am able to walk again. After several weeks of not being able to walk, and needing help to stand more than a couple minutes, I can (for now) walk from one room to another without a walker or wheel chair. It feels good. I am losing weight for the most part albeit very slowly.

I am off for now… watching for new blog material…it seems like I write the same stuff, over and over. Soo boring~!