I am alive again ??

well..
after weeks of unrelenting pain, something finally broke.
whatever had a hold of me let go.

i spent nearly three weeks in constant crushing pain...not like waves on the shoreline pounding me.. but more like a constant waterfall with me at the bottom chest deep in the waters still catching air but unable to get away from the constant barrage pummeling my shoulders

i try not to write (blog) when i get like that...i've done it before, then, when i go back and read it later, i sound REALLY REALLY crazy. ah well.

so the other day i resigned myself to checking in the damned hospital cuz they got better drugs and i couldn't take it anymore.
well.. it got late and i got tired i said to myself screw it.. i'll go tomorrow...

well.. being the procrastinator that i am, stalled again today.

after coming home from taking my daughter to school something just switched.
my pain level went from the 7 or 8 that it had been for weeks to a 1 ...(from the 1-10 pain scale)
even now as i write this. i am at freaking pain scale of 1 and i can see out of both eyes with little or no blurring..one image. (not the double vision crap that has plagued me for months)

what the hell?
i haven't made any significant meds changes... i haven't done anything fantastic - -nothing.
don't get me wrong i like this development - - i just wish i knew what the hell causes the changes.

what triggers the periods of insane suffering ?? what causes the change that allows me to live again?

a week ago i would have walked in front a bus to stop the pain (if this hick town had any freekin buses!)

as i write this i am no more uncomfortable than had i been on a decent hike along the river.

i miss being able to do simple things with my kids..with my family and friends.

i am told that my tumor could continue to react to the radiation treatment for a period of months, so i imagine that its possible things could get better and i could enjoy a period of ability much like what i am experiencing now. that would be nice.

a bbq with my brothers family and my kids at the park? a day trip in the foothills? THAT would be awesome.

hopefully this blog will reassure you that i haven't gone off the deep end...or at least if i have, i have dog-paddled my way back to blog for you.

tonight, Mariah and i made peanut butter fudge, and we are waiting for it to set.
wonderful pleasures can still be accomplished..even if i hafta steal them from this monster in the fleeting pockets of relief from the insanity.

i hope all is well with you.

too soon..

headed to the hospital..

too many days...

i give up..
i have spent too many days in pain..

i've tried.. i cant do it any more...all the morphine and norco i've shoveled into my face have failed to effectively relieve the constant barrage these last weeks.


i didnt think i would come to this point this soon.



may be available txt...



cliff

just in time....

"nudge, nudge, you oughtta blog dummy…"

"yeah, i know.. been boring here…’sides, i hate it when it reads like a staff report, i’m ok… kids r ok…money is tight, still sick, still hurt…same ol’ same ol’… "
"then again…there is something I was thinking about the other day…"

Every four years or so we are prompted by a presidential election to go out and vote for some guy to lead our nation
He’ll do this by making choices and decisions that we will ultimately examine and dissect would never really want to ourselves make but freely gripe about how we would have made different choices if had been our choice to make…
Hindsight is so much easier when its someone else’s decision you are hind-sighting. We bitch and moan and scream, we vote the party line, but do we resolve important issues this way? Psh.

All too often we have been to freekin lazy to get off our asses and do anything about the issues that concern us and we try to fix it with new laws or legislation when it comes time to vote…

This time, everyone thot we would be bitching about the war in iraq… and we are.. but the economy and health care have pushed “the war” into the back seat..

(As you can imagine health care is an important issue for me…)
As far as the economy is concerned…uhm…

I get tired of hearing our politicians complain, blame and flame about whose fault it is.. how the other guys fix isn’t a fix etc - blah blah blah..
Hey guys, I want to hear what YOU are going to do to fix it.. HOW it got broken is important only in the context of that we don’t keep breaking it…

Half a brain knows that there is plenty of blame to go around from buyers to sellers to real estate agents to loan agents to banks and CEO’s to anyone that has an IRA, 401k or owns stock or a retirement acct. Everyone wants there portfolio to expand no matter the cost…
I know that such a perspective might be considered extreme…but really, think about it.. The “trickle down” make my money make money attitude…when it expands from your “portfolio” and all that drives your investors decisions is to squeeze that last penny into your pocket, and some board gives them the o.k. to make such risky decisions, you wind up with what we have in today’s economic market.. affecting national, - international markets.
Nobody was blaming when the market was “appreciating”.

Over the years I have had very important jobs dissolve due to the companies I work(ed) for dissolve, break up into other locations stateside or south of the border or north of the border or over seas or whatever…
It boils down to greed. Straight bullshit slimy ass greed.
“Stock holders” want to see the bottom line squeezed as hard as possible…. Make their money no matter what.. it’s been going on for decades.. the teetering global economic markets now suffer from this pinnacle of slithering greediness…

It seems nobody paid any attention when worldcom and enron and all those freaks gouged us…
Collectively, we barely even glanced….do they have your attention now? Will this be just another bump in the road??
Dumb.. just dumb.

This is the cost of blind greed.
This is the price of indolence…