I am alive again ??

well..
after weeks of unrelenting pain, something finally broke.
whatever had a hold of me let go.

i spent nearly three weeks in constant crushing pain...not like waves on the shoreline pounding me.. but more like a constant waterfall with me at the bottom chest deep in the waters still catching air but unable to get away from the constant barrage pummeling my shoulders

i try not to write (blog) when i get like that...i've done it before, then, when i go back and read it later, i sound REALLY REALLY crazy. ah well.

so the other day i resigned myself to checking in the damned hospital cuz they got better drugs and i couldn't take it anymore.
well.. it got late and i got tired i said to myself screw it.. i'll go tomorrow...

well.. being the procrastinator that i am, stalled again today.

after coming home from taking my daughter to school something just switched.
my pain level went from the 7 or 8 that it had been for weeks to a 1 ...(from the 1-10 pain scale)
even now as i write this. i am at freaking pain scale of 1 and i can see out of both eyes with little or no blurring..one image. (not the double vision crap that has plagued me for months)

what the hell?
i haven't made any significant meds changes... i haven't done anything fantastic - -nothing.
don't get me wrong i like this development - - i just wish i knew what the hell causes the changes.

what triggers the periods of insane suffering ?? what causes the change that allows me to live again?

a week ago i would have walked in front a bus to stop the pain (if this hick town had any freekin buses!)

as i write this i am no more uncomfortable than had i been on a decent hike along the river.

i miss being able to do simple things with my kids..with my family and friends.

i am told that my tumor could continue to react to the radiation treatment for a period of months, so i imagine that its possible things could get better and i could enjoy a period of ability much like what i am experiencing now. that would be nice.

a bbq with my brothers family and my kids at the park? a day trip in the foothills? THAT would be awesome.

hopefully this blog will reassure you that i haven't gone off the deep end...or at least if i have, i have dog-paddled my way back to blog for you.

tonight, Mariah and i made peanut butter fudge, and we are waiting for it to set.
wonderful pleasures can still be accomplished..even if i hafta steal them from this monster in the fleeting pockets of relief from the insanity.

i hope all is well with you.