Man vs Wild

Wow…

My home is currently being invaded non stop…by little black ants that refuse to leave. I have set out three kinds of poison.. scrub and clean and wipe the damn counter top over and over…the march continues. It seems they don’t know this is supposed to kill them.. or at least discourage them sufficiently to go elsewhere….
The crap I got at walmart did little to ward the little bastards off so I went to home depot in hopes of finding something a little more robust. One of their associates was more than happy to help me find a few things and even offered special assistance in checking out, handling my purchases etc.

My oldest kid convinced me to leave shortly after finding what we needed, narrowly averting the dreaded up and down aisle after aisle lost for hours in delusional wandering…

Leaving home depot, Miranda wanted a slushy from the place in front of the store.. she remembers them fondly and had her heart set on one.. so we got her one and mariah was hungry but when given the choice preferred in ‘n out as opposed to the dog or smoked sausage on the menu there….

Shortly after getting our food at the burger place… a guy came up to our table, introduced himself and asked permission to pray for me. To pray for healing and relief from my pain. Healing for myself and for my family. Seems he was passing through…lives up in the Mariposa / Yosemite region and felt compelled to touch me. Hmm.
Thank you, Dave.

I must really look like hell…twice in the space of an hour or so, total strangers went out of their way to try and help me…
I’m wearing clean fresh clothes,, brushed my tooth…kids were very well behaved…
Geez.

In the wild the lame get eaten…
A limping or lagging herd animal is quickly consumed by a predator.
The culling of the weak ensures the survival of the stronger of the species…

Evolved are we?



Uhm..
Unsure what to think of yesterday.
Still processing…


Feedback is welcome…

title? I hate trying to title these damn blogs...

Have had another run of crappy days…mediocre success managing pain.
Makes me real bitchy…Not fair to other people in the house, but they do a pretty good job of recognizing when I’m hurting and don’t take it personally.

Latest on tumor status is just waiting… watching... reducing meds…watching monitoring symptoms. MRI’s for me will be months apart now unless new symptoms require sooner.
Stress tests for my ticker next week… Seems the steroids used to treat the tumor in my head have lead to a buildup of water on the left side of my heart. Some elevated enzyme count indicates trouble I should be checking on. Hmm.

Mariah is also at a “monitoring” status…her pediatric ophthalmologist basically said “no worries” regarding the findings in her last MRI so I am breathing a helluva lot easier.

Me - ? I’m trying to stay focused on big picture stuff.
Some people tell me - - Try to focus on what you can do not what you can’t do.

That’s an awesome cliché’. It would be even more awesome if I could.
Ain’t easy to do. Yeah, I know.. I should just do it. Right? The problem is, I have too many days that are completely consumed with doing stuff that should be brief and simple.

I can’t drive my happy ass to the store for groceries or to see the doc or pick my kid up from school. Simple stuff seems to take a long time. It gets to be a drag.
I know it’s not the end of the world… Lots of people get along with no car at all, so it’s not that different. Losing my independence is difficult, disheartening.

I would just like to be able to do those things…little trips and stuff with them would be nice.
So we are somewhat limited to “family” time together here at home. All three of us like food and cooking so we find the kitchen comforting.
Mariah and I made like three batches of cookie dough the other night…We haven’t baked them yet, and between the two of those girls I am lucky there is any cookie dough left to bake at all.

Mariah cooked dinner from beginning to end the other night for her sister and her bf, herself and me. She loved it…breaded chicken tenderloin strips, made potatoes and corn…refused any help.
None of it from prepared bags from the freezer. No heat and eat here.

Either of them can handle themselves in the kitchen with no reservations…I started working with them when they were each about four yrs old…spilling pancake batter on the counter top~!
We had one of those electric flat countertop griddles, making pancakes with Bisquick mix. (I like to teach them how to from scratch, but we’re not always completely neurotic).
Anyway, they can do just about anything in the kitchen they want to… even handling flare-ups come off without a flinch. It comes from having the “hands-on” “yes, you can do it” experiences. I let (make) them do things themselves. They hate it sometimes. Watching them learn…seeing them learn…is just awesome. I try to help sometimes. I start to explain something, teach something and they roll their eyes or get frustrated with me. “Dad! I know how to do it, leave me alone!”

here again...

I've been sleeping for days...

I've been trying to evolve from focusing on me in this mess, to focusing on helping my kids through to the ultimate end that seems to be creeping closer than expected.

It's not easy to do when so many days in a row offer no physical or mental relief from the pain.

Crap.