Turkey Day....

Just a quick note about today....

Successfully steered out of a pain episode tonight. If I hadn't pulled it off I would have wound up in E.R. The right drugs the right way and ice therapy and mentally chasing the pain away. I know, sounds crazy to some people but if have chronic pain you probly know of what I speak.

I had several offers to come to dinner from friends and family today and the days leading up to now...

Some were fairly unexpected... some from ex-inlaws etc... wow.

Two people brought Thanksgiving Dinner to me as well..tiramasu cheesecake~! pumpkin pie - apple pie - ham - stuffing - more stuffing - ... ohh !!!! I'M STUFFED.
I have more damn food here than I can eat by my self inna week~!

My kids come home from their T-Day visit with their Mom and family Saturday night so I'm alone 'till then. I was nervous about it for a bit, but I'm gettin' better.

I have been bitchy with my kids lately.. letting my condition get the better of me. Being in pain, unable to do things - - walk or bathe very well...it gets to me after awhile.
The girls dont understand. Hell, I dont know if I understand...

Anyway..Plenty to be thankful for today..cant complain...
I hope all your days were as good as mine.
I had pumpkin pie and apple pie..and theres still more pumkin pie and tiramasu cheesecake ~!

Rest well... There are plenty of leftovers to tend to tomorrow... Turkey pot pie usually does well here...Mariah always looks foward to turkey bacon cheddar sandwhiches.

I am both content and uncomfortable...
Are you?

seemingly...

After seemingly endless days of being just miserable, I woke today feeling well.

My body, although still numb and mostly unresponsive to my desires to function, isn't screaming at me at every thought of movement.

I can eat, I can see. Today, so far, is looking good.
I thot about trying to make pancakes and bacon for breakfast for everyone here, a surprise breakfast. I didn't get far. I got bacon cooking in the oven in a skillet slow and easy, the only way I can do it now (it's better that way anyway). Miranda helped me pull it out but it was cool to have it ready for her to have breakfast..she's running late for work.

The others are still sleeping 'cuz they're bums. I've been up for hours. I get bored, there is only so much freekin' daytime t.v. one person can stand. I get bored and I wanna eat. The steroids compound this problem.

Today promises more holiday theme baking... I look forward to the wafting perfume of melting chocolate and sugar from my meager kitchen.

Holiday treats + steroids + insane boredom = too much Cliff.


More later...

happy place...

I amtry trying to find my happy place...

I SOO would like to write something balanced... blogs have been blechy lately...

Christmas season is here again which I love because its an excuse to eat junk food comfort food all damn day.

Muffins and cookies and candies (all preferably homemade) fudge and Martha Washingtons and an awesome pumpkin chocolate orange muffin thing from my ex that is to DIE for...

Crockpots simmering with scratch soups and pastas and thick rich cocoa (snchaaps helps the kids sleep ssshhh ~!)

Oh yeah,, Twisted Sister doing all the Christmas classics in the background is just right....

tumor treatment saga continues...

Chemo, day two

Wrote blog yesterday, forgot to post it until today… what a bum huh?
Writing again today, hopefully it will get finished and posted today as well…

Wanna try taking chemo a little earlier in the day today… it’s a process.. takes hours to do right and pain episodes are becoming more frequent and difficult to manage so I am irritable.

They aren’t kiddin’ when they say Temodar causes constipation…Something I’m sure everyone is glad I am sharing… geez.. Day two already. Damn.

An hour and a half after the dose my tummy is shaky. Ick… But I am still hungry as hell.. dangit.

There is no one to talk to about prognosis, more specifically my prognosis (expectations).
No one that doesn’t freak when the topic of end-of –life or right-to-die topics come up.

I simply wont live like this.. I refuse. I refuse to accept the lower and lower quality of life simply because it’s gradual in its declination. Like the damn frog in a pot of water. Everyday becomes “o.k.” because “it’s not as bad as it could be”, or because it’s “only a little worse than yesterday”.

I Wanna new drug ~!

Despite a harrowing, harrowing start outta the gate, I made to Avastin treatment this morning.




My weight is up to 228 again, which pisses me off. Damn steroids are gonna kill me if the gdamn tumor doesn't. Up 30 lbs in 3-4 months. sonofaB.




I am hoping that I get the results from the chemo and avastin so I can reduce or quit the decadron. It is admittedly by all accounts a nasty nasty drug. It ravages my body relentlessly, physically, emotionally, you name it. There are few if any alternatives.



Local oncologist says o.k. to start oral chemo today. It was mailed to me weeks ago prior to my vacation in I.C.U. at the local "hospital", then delayed at the advice of the same oncologist to ensure my body was strong enuf to handle it. Both Avastin and Tremadol have been reported as well received, so I am hopeful.



Avastin and steroids are pushing my blood pressure up to a point where it needs to be managed by yet another drug. ho-hum.



Mariah came home from Bball game with wounds.... I love it. Battle-scars. Drew a foul or two too... No sissy laa-laa girls here... From young age, I taught her how to throw a punch the right way... and that she can defend herself when she has to. I explained that she can always choose to walk away from affray, and she ever strikes first I will own her ASS. She seems to have that judgement well balanced. Just edgy enuf to keep the other girls wondering how far she will go...

I am stoked.

back to the stone age...

an integral component of this family has gone missing and each of us is painfully aware of the absence.

it seems the remote control is in hiding, and is as of the time of this writing, yet to be found.

alas, a replacement will likely be forthcoming as my patience wears thin for such.
(which, btw, is likely the best way to bring the damn thing oughtta hiding)