What's Happening~ ? !

Update~?

Most recent MRI and subsequent follow-up with brain doc confirms tumor is stable (not getting bigger or any other life-changing changes). Now we fine-tune some meds to see what happens.
Next MRI is in 90 or so days, give or take a month.

The follow-up with my cardiologist says that I passed all my ticker tests. Fancy pics show only one small calcium deposit but nothing to worry about. Doc said I musta been eatin’ healthy food for alotta years, I think he has someone else’s pics. He says I should be taking some Vitamin D and maybe calcium and a baby aspirin once a day, but other than that, no meds recommendations or dietary changes.

My vision is fantastic now...no more blurry vision or double vision. I can walk a little better, usually without the cane now.

My Pain is mostly under control, although a number of break-through pain episodes have been pretty rough.

My daughters’ tests results have all come back basically clear, with all docs indicating nothing to worry about.

Seems like some the worst has settled, the “fog of war” battling this mass in my head has cleared somewhat. For now at least.

Now can I concentrate on walking? Driving?
If I get those back, even to a limited degree, I could have a piece of my life back. My poor kid, although she loves to drive, (even though she painted the right rear of my damn car with paint from the parking garage wall yesterday~! shit.) can get a reprieve from chauffeuring me around all the time. I wouldn’t feel so robbed of my independence.

A new road starts today. I still hurt like hell, but damnit I’m happy to be off that nasty piece of road I’ve been on.
I can finally breathe.

We bought a gas BBQ awhile back. I think we should celebrate by burning something on it. The girls love baby backs, and they stole the last rack of lamb ribs I had. Maybe that’s what I’ll get. It will be good practice for the weekend ~ !

Socks, soldiers and Norco...

I am occasionally prompted by others to blog more frequently… Some have expressed admiration for my writing skills…some from unexpected places… some from very unexpected places.

It is for that reason I try to more often get something down on paper, wait, up on ether...I mean the net, whatever….
The stuff that comes to me late at night when I can’t freekin sleep. I am usually to lazy to get up and write it all down and it rarely sounds as good in print as it did in my head (didn’t I say that before?)

When I look back at my blogs, I feel like I write an awful lot of negative stuff. The doom and gloom of my current medical situation. The brain tumor that never ceases torturing me. My evil ex-wife, who has barely ceased harassing me for one minute on virtually every level one can think of. Complaints of childhood horrors, the sins of my father that continue to haunt me.

Browsing such material, I feel desperate for happy stuff to write. That my mutterings for once, be positive, happy things. There are of course, some sprinklings of spirit lightening material, particularly when my kids have done something cool, just not as much as I would like.

I try to be sure and blog the good stuff…I also try to blog when my head is clear.er. And I make attempts to review my material before I upload… The damage to my brain from the radiation and the fog that occasionally comes with the pain drugs cause me to mumble and stutter…even in print.

The last few days have been interesting… I seem to be coming out of a run of several days of either several shorter pain episodes or one long one. I woke up screaming three days in a row… drugs either running out or simply not doing there job anymore. I think I have it under control now…although the pain has changed…It is noticeably different now...it is more achy now…set in my shoulders, knees…joints. The muscles in these areas...feel achy, like they are tired from over work…odd…As I haven’t done a damn thing in awhile.

One of my worst habits is putting stuff off… procrastination… I am terrible. Anything that stresses me really gets avoided… bills, mail, etc I haven’t file my lousy taxes in years. I think I have recently resolved that particular issue. Hopefully the tax guys will quit sending me nasty letters now.

Putting things off… I can always do it tomorrow, well, to some degree, that’s not a bad position to take.
Some stuff should be put off, one should make time for important things in life. Yes I know, filing your damned taxes is important, and shouldn’t be ignored. But mowing the stupid lawn can wait over taking the family out for a day on the lake. Cleaning out the garage can wait while you spend the weekend camping, roasting marshmallows and hiking among pines and quaking aspen.
I spent too many years being afraid. Fear of failure.. combined with procrastination and a healthy dose of plain lazy has left a list of “I wish I woulda”, “I shoulda’ things a mile long. I really wanted to do significantly more skydiving. I want to teach Mariah to fly fish. She likes fishing, and I think she is going to be very, very good at fly fishing. She is one helluva smart kid.

My medical condition makes me think in more finite terms. Long term projects or investments seem pointless or too much work. “Why bother if I’m not gonna be around?” It’s dumb, and I shouldn’t think that way. It’s just one more way to avoid stuff. To justify in my head, the reason for NOT doing something. My kids will learn by example, so I better get off my butt and do stuff.


My ex-stepson (?) (ex-wife’s son) joined the Marines awhile back. He is currently stationed in Iraq training Iraqi policemen for the next seven months. The girls have decided they wanna send him stuff. He has requested socks (size 11), magazines, baby wipes and snacks etc. It’s supposed to take about a week to get to him and we chat with him regularly on Yahoo Instant Messenger and MySpace etc. It’s all kinda weird. It doesn’t seem real. Anyway…
We went to Wal-Mart to gather stuff to send to him. One of the first things on the list… SOCKS~! Well, we found them alright. Along with drink mix packets to turn his boring military issue water into something more palatable. So… in looking over this package of socks I found it very interesting,… amusing.. that the things are made in freekin’ Pakistan. Made in Pakistan, shipped all the way over here, and now they are on their way back to clothe American soldiers. Very funny.

What a great day….

My brother came for visit yesterday…
We went for lunch…
The first place we went was closed.. not a soul in the place, so we wound up at Applebee’s restaurant.

After waiting an inordinate amount of time for a table large enough for us, we conceded and accepted a booth. I thought it would have been a bit to crowded, as we had seven people in our group, but it was getting tedious waiting.

I was “lucky” to have the chair at the end of the table, which allows more elbow room, but ya gotta tolerate all the foot traffic around you. Then the server has to lean past you whenever she is pouring drinks or bringing food...so it ain’t all bad. ; )

My brother was accompanied by his awesome wife and child…a son 4 years old. This kid is wired for sound…he is so full of energy… seems at times more than his share. He is absolutely fantastic, completely lovable…very funny, very smart. But he reminds me of why I don’t want anymore kids. I am simply too old and tired… I couldn’t start over with any new ones… whew~! I love mine, and him, and kids in general. I just don’t have the strength for any little ones.

Anyhow… lunch was great.. the food and service were great. My kids got along well…which is cool ‘cuz they have been biting each other on the ass for days… over anything, everything, or nothing.. geez. (I’ve been ducking a lot lately).

We don’t often get to see each other anymore, especially all of us at once. My brother, his wife, kid…both of my daughters…it was really just very nice. I had a good day in the sense of managing pain and mobility, which means I was able to enjoy everyone’s company without my medical condition clouding up the day.

So anyway… This day can go in the really damn good column…In the long list of shitty days, mediocre days, good days, and days I don’t even freekin’ remember…yesterday is at the top of the list. Definitely one I would do again.

Overall my symptoms are becoming more and more manageable. I am walking without the cane more often. Pain is becoming more manageable. Hopefully this is a trend…and hopefully the upcoming tests and results will prove to be as positive.

Chalk...

Chalk today up as....?

Hell I dunno...

Good day or bad?
I woke up on time...(for me, this means I was able to successfully pry my youngest out of bed in time to get her to school on time)

I promptly went back to bed and slept off and on the rest of the day.
I have an MRI tomorrow, and a trip to San Francisco Thursday and a wound care appt on Friday....it's probably good that I rested today.

One of the problems with these long periods of sleep is missing meds. When I get out of sync with my pain drugs and the pain gets ahead of me it can be ugly ...hard to get control of again.
Today was one of those days... I woke around 8:45 p.m. and hadn't taken pain drugs since this morning.... Even taking morphine and norco at the same time (which normally metabolize in 15-20 minutes) it was at least half an hour before I felt any relief. 30 minutes of crushing, sweating, cursing pain. Damnit I hate it when that happens... It just breaks the strength I need to push through. Makes me so tired...

Hopefully I rested enough today to get through this weeks appointments.

Thar She Blooms~ ! ! !

Thankfully the yeast that has been stowed away in a tightly closed container in the recesses of my refrigerator has proven to still have some life left in it as it successfully bloomed when added to warm water and sugar this morning before leaving for a doc appt in Stockton.

I warmed some bottled water as the tap water here likely has way to much chlorine in it to make finicky yeast happy and added a tablespoon or so of the yeast to the bowl of water and left it alone for a couple hours.

It "bloomed" very well while we were away seeing one of my docs. Now I am sure it will properly make my bread rise the way it is supposed to...
We will make sourdough bread, french bread, and probably pretzels as Miranda has been craving them. I will retain some of the bloomed yeast to make a sourdough starter so that we will have the ability to make a range of home made sourdough stuff... sourdough blueberry pancakes, plain ol' yummy sourdough bread, cheesy parmasen garlic breadsticks, etc for a few weeks...

yum.

HEY~! I must still be alive if I am Blogging~!

Hello…

Here I am, again… staring at the keyboard and computer screen…

Trying to articulate all the literary brilliance that comes to me in the middle of the night but I am to tired or lazy to get up and commit to paper (so to speak).
I often find what does make it out of my head horribly redundant expressions of previous writings…
Ramblings of pain and worry…on to wonderful reports of my awesome daughters and their latest accomplishments…

Health-wise I can’t seem to make up my mind if I am getting better or worse…
Vision is much better, with both eyes open and in working order most days. Pain management is usually under control, although some episodes continue to plaque my perception of continued progress.

My brother reminds me to try and take heart in what things I “can do” instead of the things I “can’t do”…Find happiness in the good stuff instead of all the negative.
All very cliché … just not easy to do when your breakfast includes 11 prescription meds each day and most days are spent dodging pain and planning for the repercussions for activities everyone else does without thinking…

I missed an important stress test for my heart Tuesday.. I felt so sick.. mostly tumor sick…fatigue, pain, edema, I just couldn’t make the ride in the car to Stockton...it is a whole 15 miles. It’s been
re-scheduled again.. Hopefully I’ll make it next time.

The next MRI will be this month. I dropped the ball and didn’t schedule it yet, but I will make a phone call in the morning and fix that. I plain forgot I was supposed to schedule it.. I thought they were gonna schedule it so I just waited. oops.
I am a little afraid to do it. Afraid of what they might find. Crap.

I will get the cardiac stress test results and the MRI results within days of each other. I know there is probs with my heart. It has shown in other tests. Hmm.
Dunno what to think about the MRI results.


It’s going to be a very, very long month.