grumble.

it's so tiring to do ANYTHING.
takes to long.

today started out with another bad episode of severe pain.
struggled until just now, (2:00P.M.) to get anything under control enough to resemble normalness...

THIS is why my days are unproductive and I am tired.

Geez...

Has anyone seen the "Cash for Gold" TV commercial? website?
A place that will give you cash for jewelry thru the mail, no questions.
Wow. How easy are we gonna make it for people?

Thieves and burglars..mail in your goodies..we'll process it for you and melt it down... no evidence trail.. thank you. Bye now.

http://www.cash4gold.com/?partnerid=Google-Tandem&gclid=CKGxlfyrx5MCFRZZiAodnWWsCA


geez.

ouch...

Sunday night...I hurt...Again. Still. Something. Crap.
I thot I had a reprieve from this.

Last blog entry says it was Wednesday when I came home from the last hospital stay.

Days kinda blur into each other. too much drama in my life. too much pain.
Wanna blog about other stuff.. maybe something other people actually might find interest in.

Sometimes that is challenging. Most of my time now is spent dealing with my illness at one level or another. Managing the condition, side effects, medication, pain, the stack of ($100K and rising)bills ~(and ignoring their calls), etc. Kinda hard to find time to bitch about other shit. Although my ex-wife is sure making a healthy attempt at making the top of the list.


Would be fun to soapbox about politics, economy, the price of gas, health care (the distinct lack thereof), oh yeah, that pesky war.
But by the time I get out of bed, bathe, rest from bathing, dress muhself, it's time for lunch.

Left message with guys at UCSF on Friday...maybe Tuesday they will call about scheduling an MRI. I really wanna find out whats going on in my head. I hurt like hell again, just want to make progress. Wanna know WTF. My condition is terminal...That much I know. What is unknown is how long its going to take to kill me, and how much of hassle it's going to be along the way. Dying doesn't bother me so much...ain't really afraid of that part. Being in pain, or being a drain on my family doing it bothers me. I dont want to lay around taking forever to kick off and I don't them to have to watch me lay around taking forever to kick off.
Fuck THAT.

So now I need to figure living wills and advanced directives and crap.
Geez.

I don't own anything of value, so that part is easy.
Whose gonna argue over when to pull the plug? Hmm. Hmmm.
Maybe argue over who gets to pull it?

My brother drove down for a visit Thursday.. it was nice. I wish I had been in better condition..mentally and phyiscally. Conversation was good, but it was hard for me to stay focused. Moving.. to walk, or bring the damn fork to my mouth at the restaraunt was hard...achey. He brought me fresh eggs from his home, and I will thoroughly enjoy cooking with them. I think of myself as a "foodie", but only in the context that I like to play in the kitchen, pretend I can cook, not in the context that I have any freeking idea that I know what I know am doing.


Gotta run...
Kids are hungry.. AGAIN~!

Home again...

From a few days in the hospital again...

Finally got the docs talking to one another...sheesh.
Changed a few meds.. added others. 11 (yes, eleven) prescribed meds now.

Wounds from "pitting edema" were significant enough that they came in and took pictures of my damn legs. ick.
Also got to do some nuclear xray tests were they had me breathe some radioactive breathing treatment junk and took pictures of my lungs.
Then they injected me with more radioactive contrast media and took more pics of my lungs (and heart?).

Gotta schedule another MRI at UC San Francisco to see how the tumor has responded to the radiation treatment.

Some symptoms have returned, sensations (pressure, pain etc.) in my head an neck that I thot I was done with. Bummer. Not feeling good about this at all.

A doc appt last week found that I am up to 254 lbs. Thats about a 45 lb. gain in 3 1/2 months. I feel awful.

It's late now, and I am tired and I hurt. I am going to bed.
Actually, its to the reclining couch because laying flat is very uncomfortable.

More later...

Pain...

Woke me over an hour ago...
Norco + Morphine...still fuk'd.

Won't stop.


SonofaBitch.


4:30 A.M.

Has anyone seen...

My scotch?


...

blog...

its 1:00 am...
i cant sleep again....

i have been drifting in and out for several hours...NOW i am awake.
today has been especially rough... very uncomfortable...pain has been moderate, but the side effects from the meds have been awful. i seem to swell larger and larger by the hour...its even getting harder to breathe for crying out loud.

my damn blog sounds like one big complaint...
always bitchin' about drugs or pain or something...sheesh.

i know my life is out there..where I left it... (it left me?) i just drifted off little... a stumbly, semi-parallel line wandering almost within reach of the path i am supposed to be on... still moving in the same direction... if i can just get back there... it seems so close...
i wonder if i will get back there...or what path i will land ultimately land on...

gdamn vision probs today...THAT part worries me.
sitting here writing this i have to work to read the screen...bummer huh?
it means the tumor is still putting pressure on my brainstem enough to interefere with normal communications. it will also affect breathing and heart function... seems vision is the first to "go". will the radiation treatment ultimately be enough to resolve the issue? seems not if i am still squinting to see the fucking screen. betchya that means chemo. probly one week a month for a year. at least i know where i will be.


plans to do things with family.. my brother, my kids.. are seriously affected by the lingering symptoms.
i hate waiting...next appt with ONE of my neurologists is this week...
did i mention i hate waiting? not knowing WTF i am doing is a serious drag.

i have been talking with my brother quite a bit more lately...that part is cool.
my eldest daughter and i are talking better...she's 15, so it ain't easy for either of us to deal with the other -


enuf rantambling for one morning/night for ya?
at least its not all nagging around in my head anymore...

starting at 9...

Today isnt starting very well.
9 isnt a good number.



1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, I think thats everything... < drink >


laying back.
now just wait.


closing my eyes...thinking about a more friendly 3 or 4.
sshhhhh... ssshhh...please.

oops.

a day on the town...

went to walmart...
visited a friend...
stopped at RAT SHACK...< radio shack >



got gas. wow. THAT was expensive.

forgot my gdamn meds. over shot by three hours.
pain now. gonna be bitchy as hell till this shit kiks in.

stay oughtta my way. i promise i'll do my best to make sure i dont do it again.

Thank you.


< fuck >

Grabbin' Gears...

and clutch... and shift...
There’s second gear.... were moving down the road now...I feel better.
I love it when the drugs kick in.


At this moment, Pain is now at an acceptable level.
You know how when you go to the doc or ER or whatever? They always ask you about your pain level? They give you the happy face 1 thru 10 chart and tell ya to point to where your pain is?
Well,,, I often wake to a 7 or 8...thats normal now. It makes me bitchy.
I can usually get it under control in a few hours…

If I can keep my happy face at a 3 or 4 during the day, I'm cool. No sweat.

When we get to the 8, 9, 10, 12, (usually daily) and I can't get it down it becomes a prob.
It changes my personality...I've seen it before with other people...The psychosis that happens with that kind of pain...Managing chronic pain.
I understood it, but only from an outsiders view...theoretically.
I have a new appreciation for it now.

I’m also learning about pharmaceuticals...The drugs they are giving me…How they interact with each other. How and what I eat affects the way my body metabolizes them.
Kinda becomes a science.
What happened to just poppin’ pills?

Anyhow..pain level is at a cool breezy ZERO now. I can see well.. no double-vision…
I might go for a drive. Gonna try walking to the corner first.

I think most people don’t quite fully grasp the impact not being to drive can impact your life. I have been to the point in that I could not walk… my writing looked like 1st grade crayon block letters and shaky at that. Scary and frustrating.

So when I can walk…write legibly, stand at the stove long enough to prepare a meal, it’s nice. Simple shit I might have bitched about having to do before.
Maybe not so much now?



Cliff

OWE.

Insane Pain Today.

Morpine, NORCO...Tramadol. Nuerontin. Waiting for it all to metabolize.
Until then, I won't be pleasant.



Maybe not after.

FCK.

2:00 A.M. Monday morn...

And I can move...

Another active day today...

Went to The Relay for Life fundraiser thing in Manteca yesterday...some extended family invited some time ago, and I tentatively accepted the invite to participate...
The "tentative" part is contingent upon my ability at any given time to... do anything.

So when the time came, I was feeling well enough to walk, talk...etc, so off I went.

They had acquired a wheel chair, and my niece pushed me around the the track while.
It was fun, I got out of the house, met new people and was treated to hot dogs w/mustard (I love dogs 'n mustard) and a coupla energy drinks.

Today started out rough and didn't get any better until about 20 minutes ago.
My head hurts in ways that it has not hurt before. Much like a hangover headache, frontal lobe region...constant. Pushing to the back of my head and reaching for my ears.
It lingers still, just less intense.

Sunday I went to church with friends that have been inviting me for awhile, and again, getting out of the house is good for me, physically and emotionally. The walls get boring.
I unexpectedly met other friends thereas well, one of which is also dealing with a long term pain management issue. We chatted about drugs a bit, I am a newbie, and they have perspective that I do not.

A little later I made a trip to the grocery store... easy household chore...right?
Well... I ain't driving lately so when I can get a chauffeur I gotta get it done all at once.
Anyway... long day. Made it home. Put away perishables, than laid on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep until writing this.
Two days low level activity..tiring.


Back to the headache...
Its new. I dont like new. My UCSF docs have been down playing my condition. "No Prob..." "You gonna be around for years... "
Hmmm.

February...March...April. 6 weeks radiation - done.
Double vision ?, comes 'n goes. Balance ? comes 'n goes.
Pain...

I kinda expected to be making better progress by now. Looking back, I guess its only been 90 days or so since initial diagnosis... but the docs said no sweat...?
New headache? crap. I dont like new symptoms. I dont like not knowing what they mean.

I wanted to avoid chemo. new symptoms = more treatment? dunno. more treatment = chemo? dunno. I'm callin' the doc in the morning. ech.

I'm rambling in the wee hours of the morning,,,I'm doing here 'cuz everyone is asleep.


Look...The sunrise...