ouch...

Sunday night...I hurt...Again. Still. Something. Crap.
I thot I had a reprieve from this.

Last blog entry says it was Wednesday when I came home from the last hospital stay.

Days kinda blur into each other. too much drama in my life. too much pain.
Wanna blog about other stuff.. maybe something other people actually might find interest in.

Sometimes that is challenging. Most of my time now is spent dealing with my illness at one level or another. Managing the condition, side effects, medication, pain, the stack of ($100K and rising)bills ~(and ignoring their calls), etc. Kinda hard to find time to bitch about other shit. Although my ex-wife is sure making a healthy attempt at making the top of the list.


Would be fun to soapbox about politics, economy, the price of gas, health care (the distinct lack thereof), oh yeah, that pesky war.
But by the time I get out of bed, bathe, rest from bathing, dress muhself, it's time for lunch.

Left message with guys at UCSF on Friday...maybe Tuesday they will call about scheduling an MRI. I really wanna find out whats going on in my head. I hurt like hell again, just want to make progress. Wanna know WTF. My condition is terminal...That much I know. What is unknown is how long its going to take to kill me, and how much of hassle it's going to be along the way. Dying doesn't bother me so much...ain't really afraid of that part. Being in pain, or being a drain on my family doing it bothers me. I dont want to lay around taking forever to kick off and I don't them to have to watch me lay around taking forever to kick off.
Fuck THAT.

So now I need to figure living wills and advanced directives and crap.
Geez.

I don't own anything of value, so that part is easy.
Whose gonna argue over when to pull the plug? Hmm. Hmmm.
Maybe argue over who gets to pull it?

My brother drove down for a visit Thursday.. it was nice. I wish I had been in better condition..mentally and phyiscally. Conversation was good, but it was hard for me to stay focused. Moving.. to walk, or bring the damn fork to my mouth at the restaraunt was hard...achey. He brought me fresh eggs from his home, and I will thoroughly enjoy cooking with them. I think of myself as a "foodie", but only in the context that I like to play in the kitchen, pretend I can cook, not in the context that I have any freeking idea that I know what I know am doing.


Gotta run...
Kids are hungry.. AGAIN~!