blog...

its 1:00 am...
i cant sleep again....

i have been drifting in and out for several hours...NOW i am awake.
today has been especially rough... very uncomfortable...pain has been moderate, but the side effects from the meds have been awful. i seem to swell larger and larger by the hour...its even getting harder to breathe for crying out loud.

my damn blog sounds like one big complaint...
always bitchin' about drugs or pain or something...sheesh.

i know my life is out there..where I left it... (it left me?) i just drifted off little... a stumbly, semi-parallel line wandering almost within reach of the path i am supposed to be on... still moving in the same direction... if i can just get back there... it seems so close...
i wonder if i will get back there...or what path i will land ultimately land on...

gdamn vision probs today...THAT part worries me.
sitting here writing this i have to work to read the screen...bummer huh?
it means the tumor is still putting pressure on my brainstem enough to interefere with normal communications. it will also affect breathing and heart function... seems vision is the first to "go". will the radiation treatment ultimately be enough to resolve the issue? seems not if i am still squinting to see the fucking screen. betchya that means chemo. probly one week a month for a year. at least i know where i will be.


plans to do things with family.. my brother, my kids.. are seriously affected by the lingering symptoms.
i hate waiting...next appt with ONE of my neurologists is this week...
did i mention i hate waiting? not knowing WTF i am doing is a serious drag.

i have been talking with my brother quite a bit more lately...that part is cool.
my eldest daughter and i are talking better...she's 15, so it ain't easy for either of us to deal with the other -


enuf rantambling for one morning/night for ya?
at least its not all nagging around in my head anymore...