hello again...

Just blogging real quick to tell everyone all is well.

I just came home from Avastin treatment this morning, the second Avastin treatment since my brief stay at the local hospital for a bout with (of-?) cellulitis. (think boxing)

The POS pharmacy connected to the treatment clinic dropped the ball completely AGAIN and made me late AGAIN for a wound care appt scheduled for directly after the chemo appt.

Sufficiently late to require rescheduling for a different day. What a bunch of losers. Critical you say? Maybe so, but this is the second time and these morons are supposed to be professionals.

Anyway...Doc Onc (onc-ologist) sez a-o.k. for resuming Temodar.. leg looks good, blood work looks good, YOU look good... so there.
All systems go. A good thing right? Should mean keepin' me alive a little while longer right?
I hope so.

Today's Avastin hit me early. Made me feel tired already... woozy even while still in the chair gettin' juiced, so i ain't looking forward to next week's Temodar gauntlet.

Today i met a woman with a fairly new cancer diagnosis. Today was her first chemo treatment and she is scheduled to start radiation too... Ick. Radiation alone kiked my ass and doing i.v. chemo and full dose radiation at the same time will undoubtedly be gruesome. I refrained from telling her so. I reassured her that although she faced a horrific diagnosis, and that treatment would be at times unpleasant, that she would be o.k. That like me, she was being allowed a little more time with kids, (she has three) and that was a blessing. Her daughter, also driving her to and from doc appoints, treatments etc, is the same age as Miranda, within a few months.

When I left she was continuing her injection, and would be doing so for several more hours. Afterwards she was hoping to catch the bus to her radiation treatment.
Braver than I. Braver than I.

Anyhow... I think i'm gonna be more tired than usual from treatment in coming weeks, but other than that I'm good...
Soo, if I'm AWOL from blog for a bit, or otherwise slow to respond, I'm likely snoozin' someplace sleepin' it off.

Hope all is well for everyone....
For now, I'm Hangin' in there~!


Cliff

Who are you -?

Sorry for the mysterious title...it kind of eludes to having a juicy, prophetic, deep subject in this blog....Well, it ain't. Just corny.
Well, maybe not so corny.... maybe a little deeper as you wade thru the thing... ? ?
Luck to you.



OWEY!! ~~ OWEY!! ~~ OWEY!! ~~ OWEY!! ~~ OW!!

ouch even~!


Daaaaaaammmmnn ~! who the hell beat me up while i was sleeping?!?!

I awoke this morning with every single bone in my body screaming for relief.
All Muscles in chorus...

Every square inch of skin singing back-up.

The last time i felt like this i had nurses at my disposal.

. . .

Did anyone get the number of that TRUCK!!?


One thing is sure...


I AM ALIVE !!!


So what if will get started a little slower today.

So what if i grit my teeth a little getting up from the normal little parking place for my butt in the front room.

So what if i will ask for a little more help from those around me today.

I'm a sore 'cuz i've been active the last few days.

I've been active the last few days because i have been physically able to be.

I've been walking around the place, went outdoors and got some fresh air. That bright thing in the sky shone its light upon my skin.

I think this all means:
I AM ALIVE !!!

I'll happily accept that today, take my more-than-half-full-glass and be on my way TY.

Won't you come with me? after all....
WE ARE ALIVE !!!



Cliff Bickle
cliff_bickle@yahoo.com
---> Saturday, March 27, 2010. <----

ticker tocker...

crap...

a short stall in chemo scares me...
i am back on schedule... sorta.

i am able to walk again, the PT nurse coming to my home is happy as hell with my performance
i am too...

she leaves me tired and sore and sweaty...
(i love saying that :) )

my hands are working well although they continue to degrade from the pinky finger inward

the infection in my leg is all but gone, and
i believe my oncologist will give me the green light to resume the oral meds part of my treatment

double vision has returned and my damned blood pressure has been like 150/100 for daaays,
peaking at 183/101 this afternoon..oncologist doesn't even blink at that but it makes me uneasy
my chest hurts, my head hurts and there is alotta pressure behind my eyes.. that CAN'T be good. i gotta be careful i dont blow a gasket or something.



soo.. what does the return of double vision mean against the continued improvement of the other symptoms? i don't know.

i believe the tumor has already reached a point that any new growth will be realized in short order. as in the theater, the lights will dim and the curtain will draw.

an old acquaintance has returned, and she brings new perspective to life...
i am wary...

but i think i am finding parts of me that were broken and lost a very, very long time ago.
its kinda scary.

the music playlist here has brought me great joy.
i keep remembering and finding old school music from "back in the day", that plagued my parents home when i was so young.

I am playing it as loud as current equipment will allow and it bugs my kids somthin' fierce.
I love it.

hey fooker...

"hey fooker"

a common greeting i consider affectionate from probly the best brother ever...

it generally begins a conversation in chat as we live fars away and dont often get to talk...
chat lets us talk to each other and allows for the delays as he is usually working and i sometimes just need time to get myself together...

most of our communication is electronic of one sort or another...

i have also found a few new friends here on the innernet and i find comfort and solace in that... in the exchange of ideas and experiences with those people...
some peeple will contest that the electronic age has seperated and disconnected us as a people socially. maybe they have a point, but then again, maybe they are just stoopid.

i dont like myspace much, and the presence of my music playlist here comes dangerously close to resembling such a place. fukkit. i lost a ton of music in recent years to moving and pilfering ex gf's. some of it have found here, in addition to some new stuff by familiar artists.

most of what i initially put on my list has a deeper meaning, as i have sed before, those close to me will know.

some newer stuff has meaning closer to my life now. some is just fun.
independant of my medical condition, life is too short to worry about offending oversensitive people with (whatever).
so here are some fun ones placed close to the top of the list for a couple readers on my mind today. if they bug you, turn your speakers off. but maybe, just maybe, you could let loose, leave the tight chonies at home and let go. play it loud. play it often.
you wont go to hell i promise.

hear what melissa has to say. "shes going to hell, shes a lesbian!" you say. well, i aint sleeepin with her, im listening to her music and so should you. there is something to be learned by everyone there. yes i sed "everyone"
it wasnt long ago when words like nigger and fag were common place. spoken freely in public and in pews. the lesson is, at least in part, not tolerance, but acceptance.

tolerance..tolerate.. what a shitty word anyway. we'll tolerate you, your lifestyle. whata slap huh? how about acceptance? tolerate. tolerate means judgement. acceptance does not.
you aint gotta like it. you aint gotta preach it. but you have no right to tell me i cant.
hitler did that or have you forgotten?
yes this couhtry was built on judeau christians beliefs but it was also built on freedom.
freedom to live and breathe and believe as we desired.
if you aint hurtin anyone government, cops and neighbors should stay home.

you dont like my music? thats ok too. i dont ask you to not play yours.

(i once got in a nasty fight with my ol' man over Sammy Hagars "I can't Drive 55" music video.
it was awful.) nobody was promoting social disobediance. there was no inciting of riots. who the hell DOESNT like to drive fast? if you say you dont you are a liar and i will be happy to tell you so to your FACE. no speeding tickets you say? ok, then you are just creepy. pls stay away from my kids ty.

wow.

what a tirade over just a few fun songs huh?
hehe. like i sed, i feel damn good today so there.

i dont get days like this very often so i will rant or yell or cry or sing if i damn well want to.
i recommend you do to.
you never know when your tickets gettin punched.

I'm kinda lucky. i have a terminal medical condition.
some day soon, the tumor in my head will cease responding to treatment and i will die.
as it has already grown to a size that is dangerously close to stopping important shit like heart pumping and breathing, so i wont have much time. likely measured in weeks, but who knows.

no one knows. i have been given a warning and time to tell those important to me that they are important to me. if u get hit by a bus tomorrow, will you have said what you want to say to those you got stuff to say to?
i hope so.

my ramblings here help me express who i am and my beliefs.
it is a very therapeutic thing for me.
maybe my kids will read some of this later when they are older and understand.
i hope so.


dont be a freak spending, but dont be a freak saving either.
dont be afraid to go out for the weekend, you just might not have the time you think you have...
later doesnt turn out like ya planned.
remember what u thot things would be like after high school?
uh huh.

a friend once said to me..."heeeey im still putting it together "
i gotta try and remember that.
my dad put alot of pressure on brother and me,
to be the best we could be,
i get to caught up in that and try to hard to be perfect.
i push myself and my kids too.. to hard.
i gotta chill.

speaking of chillin'...
my kids have finished grillin some chicken on our BBQ
so i am gonna go do just that..chill.

i'll turn the music on my computer and just...chill.
btw, cleaning out a box of "stuff" recently i found a freekin 8-track of mine with STYX, "The Grand Illusion..."
how's THAT for a blast from the past? (my hair was much longer then, also something condemned by my dad and his crony cop friends.)

peace out boys n girls~!

today...

i re-started avastin injections this week after a two week delay due to a severe bout w/cellulitis that left me hopitalized for five days and that i continue to fight on the home front with daily oral antibiotics and treatment at a wound care facility.

my first treatment was yesterday and as usual it has left me fatiged and sore...

i also have a PT nurse that visits me here at home to ensure i do some mild excersizes to keep my limbs and blood moving. she often leaves me sore, tired and sweaty.

doctors orders to keep my bum leg elevated give me reason to be a bum, although i do not always adhere to these instructions... email, blog and innernet in general becon me relentlessly.
as does the fridge and kitchen. my youngest daughter loves the foccacia that i make and with my merry christmas to me food processor it is a snap... before it was all by hand and this made it prohibitively difficult. now, i have a very good recipe and brush the top with an olive oil, butter and italian seasoning mixture and it is gone before i know it...
it also works really well for pizza, stromboli etc...
Focaccia alla Ligure - Ligurian Focaccia

several new and old friends check in on me and i find that comforting. it is more that i expected and from sources i did not expect. other sources friends etc that swore to assist in anyway now refuse to answer calls, return VM etc. it shouldn't surpise me... their character has long been apparant, i had just hoped that my cynisism was unjust, that i was incorrect about these people, alas time has told its tale. bummer.

i feel like i have beat the odds in some ways.. i am still alive, often alert and still able to walk or at least motor around in my electric scooter. my daughters seem to have faced this dilemma fairly well. they sometimes show wear from uncommon demands on their time, but overall they are doing well emotionally and academically.

thats all i can think of for now
PT therapist is due here soon.. gotta rest

later all ~!!

Twice Told...

Well.....

As readers here should know, I have a brainstem tumor, diagnosed over two years ago.

This condition and the treatment of have left me with a weakened immune system and I recently contracted cellulitis in my right leg that required a stay (5 days) in the local hospital for a rigorous anti-biotic treatment.

Today I went to the same hospital for blood work related to my treatment(s).
Several of the technicians there recognize me readily due to my frequent visits for this blood work.
She related a story to me that my daughter found alarming. I found it curious and a little spookie.(yes "ie".)

She told of a visit she had to the same room that I occupied in my last stay.
The patient there shared similarities in his last name with my last name and he told of a phone call he received on the hospital room phone.

The female voice warned this to him, "Cliff Bickle - I'm gonna get you ~!", in a stern and sinister tone and hung up.

Kinda weird. Kinda creepy. Anyone that really knows me knows that such a call won't scare me in the least. Not on my worst day would I feel compromised by such an utterance.

I am intrigued by the thing. I am sooo bored. A rumble would liven up my day.
You better bring a big BIG stick.

It's clobberin' time~! (if i knew who to clobber dangit.)

Aah-well...

Until they peek out and show themselves again I just gotta wait.

Rock On...

I just got home from 5 hideous days in the hospital from a still existing infection in my leg…


The slightest little scratch or whatever for me can turn into a life threatening condition overnight, and this one did. Unfortunately, the time in the hospital threw me off of my chemo schedule and I have yet to return. Oncologist sez finish antibiotic regiment and skip next oral chemo round and pik up one week from now and we’ll see what’s what… feels a little dicey approach to handling the treatment that is supposed to keep me alive but WTF.

These bouts of hazard wear me out physically for sure, but that also wear away the foundations of what mental health I have left, often bringing me precariously close to demise more often than I care to admit.



Today there is a (another)new dawn. There was a time when I was surely close to hell fire. My ex was fighting for custody of my beloved children, local law was constantly loitering about begging reason to carry my carcass off to jail, the bank was muttering of foreclosure and but for the church we would have been eating bugs and dirt.



I tell you I did not blink. Nor flinch. Nor soil my pantaloons.

I spoke with clear unwavering tone.

From the outside I appeared aloof.

Inside I was sure and confident. I wasn't going down without a fight.

If it was a fight you wanted I was ready to Bring It.

If you felt froggy, Jump. We'll go. No sweat.



Today screw you.
Today I have a second wind (thirty-second?).
Today I’ll bite’ya if you get to close enough.

Today none of these haunting things will better me.
Today none of you who dare challenge me will succeed. (my stupid ex is comin to town : )

Bravo huh?

He-he I sound like an old movie… “I’m mad as hell and I won’t take it anymore~!!”

(Well, I ain’t)
I’m comin back swinging, God knows I got enuf to swing at.