mental health day. . .

the subtle return of just a few symptoms has that nagging voice blowing gentle whispers of suspicion in my ears again...


some flank pain, blurry vision, difficulty swallowing food have all reappeared in recent weeks.


again, i am unable to determine their specific cause...
again, uncertainty wields a sharper blade than cold hard fact.


today, a new MRI was taken at a local building calling itself a hospital.

the last MRI taken in December of '09 was worthless due to what the technician described as "blurry images", implying that the patient, (me) moved during the process, resulting in images of such low quality that they were basically unusable.

what seems to have failed to make it to their report was that this pack of troglodytes were unsuccessful in administering the i.v. needed to inject dye media essential to the process.
they also failed to convey that the primate shoving the needle in my arm on the 6th attempt, blew my vein out right in the middle of the media push, resulting in insufficient contrast media to get the pics they wanted.

"the patient moved" - my ass.

if he did it was because the incompetent circus these people pawn off as professionals strapped him to an MRI table for a barbaric 45 minutes beyond what the process requires.

SOOO... in a vain attempt (vain...that's funny huh~!) to avoid repeating this fiasco, i called the radiology department early this morning and advised them of the condition of my veins and previous difficulties with this process. i asked that an i.v. be established prior to beginning any picture taking.

the voice at the other end remembered having performed MRI's with me in the past and assured me that he would do everything in his abilities to not repeat the aforementioned difficulties.


the best laid plans of mice and men.


i arrived easily by 12:30 for registration as requested by the clatch running this show.

one particularly defective hen waddled over to the window and informed me that i was on her list as having an appointment YESTERDAY.
i calmly advised her that indeed "I" had the correct day and that this was evidenced earlier in the day by confirmation with the person actually scheduled to DO THE MRI ~!!
she obliged everyone involved by calling the responsible party to confirm the facts of the matter.

she would later also struggle with the spelling of my name, the names of my doctors, my insurance information, and seemingly defiant office equipment.

as to the information involved, i have had multiple MRI's performed at this facility for the same doctor, the same affliction, with no changes in insurance coverage for over two years.
a process that usually takes all of 15 minutes dragged on for 45.
the freekin radiology department even called to see if i was still in the building.
trained monkeys have accomplished more.

these difficulties should have been an omen to me. i should have heeded the warning and simply went home and back to bed.

i did not.

today’s technician was both professional and personable. he was confident that he would be able to establish the needed needle access to my bloodstream.

despite his assurances, poor Eddie from radiology was unsuccesful in establishing an i.v. for me today.
two more technicians were also unsuccesful.

"Ian" from another department was ultimately succesful, but only on his second attempt.
in all, seven piercings were required before these goons completed their task.
all smack dab in the middle of taking MRI pics…


now i get to wait until tomorrow to get the results of todays pictures.
results that will be used to predict my future...predict my mortality.
results used to make treatment decisions.

results to make treatment decisions? yes.
but not in the context of deciding which drugs to use.
rather deciding whether to continue or not continue drug treatment.

my doc sez there no other options.
no other drugs are available for my specific type of tumor.
we are doing all that we can do.

again, doubt and doom swirl about in my psyche.
i fear a slow and difficult process.
i greatly fear not having the ability to stop this merry go ‘round of my own accord. (although I think tilt ‘o whirl is a more accurate metaphor)

i have surpassed my own expectations by a good measure.
but surely the bill will come due.

this is what wakes me up a night.
when i sleep.

tomorrow results from this MRI will dictate what decisions must be made.
tomorrow celebratory foods will adorn our table.

we won’t be lauding victories or revering defeats.
we won’t be recognizing the accomplishments of others, be they singular or plural.
no calendar displays THIS special day.

this day, WE are here. Together.
despite what heaven and earth, man and beast have thrown at this motley crew, we are still here.
Together.
this day we will eat, drink and be silly.
this time will be time to laugh.
laugh at you. laugh at ourselves. just laugh.

when is your laughing day?