finally...

OK here’s the deal…

Some days I wake early….(4:00 a.m.early - ick)
Some days I sleep until lunch time or later.

But almost always.. Either way my first thots are of how of to avoid or control the pain that is sure to plaque my entire day…
Getting my fix. Planning my day..
Will I be able to control my pain or double vision enough to drive?

Bathing, will likely take an hour or two…

If the day is good one, I will be able to continue with a “normal” day.

You all know what that is…where one proceeds with work or errands…taking a kid to school, shopping for groceries or paying bills.
If the day isn’t so good, I might need to rest until lunch or so…sometimes a shower is simply exhausting.

With very careful drug management I seem to be able to create a few hours each day that are OK…other than that, I am miserable.
My stoopid brain tumor is stealing from me not only years from the end of what was my expected lifespan, but hours of everyday along the way.

Managing, manipulating, and planning…each day around a walnut sized tumor embedded in my brainstem.

All the long term goals and plans that I ever had are trashed…
I had become complacent anyway…all the cliché “quality time” that I should have been spending with my kids and family… had all drifted to the wayside…assuming there would always be time. I had become too comfortable being bitter and cynical about who to blame for everything wrong in my life. The fact is, I was to blame for enough of it that I really shouldn't have been looking around pointing fingers at anyone. It was a waste of time anyway, wouldn’t change anything.

Now my perception of time and space are different. There is a psychosis that occurs when a person deals with pain for an extended period of time. Your goal for the day, everyday, becomes getting past this pain…
I am learning terms like “baseline pain” and “breakthrough pain”…”incident pain”.
Before, I just thought pain was pain.

I am learning that some of the chemo drugs have a tendency to lead to leukemia. I found today that one of the primary drugs I am taking for pain may be causing my vision problems. The freekin’ steroid that has caused all my weight gain jacks with my blood sugar and blood pressure. What fun huh?

After a week of having my blood pressure down around 80/50… It’s now been 150/100 all damn day today and yesterday. I feel like shit.

With that, I am off…

I have tried to finish this damn writing for about two weeks, and after a few reviews, fixing damn typos more than once…I am finally going to just post it and hope I didn’t miss anything to horrendous. I think it tells what I wanted to say…