thursday...

i woke this morning around 1:00a.m.
struggling to breathe…my shirt drenched in sweat…
i struggle to sit up…i reach for my blood pressure cuff…to see how bad i am.
do i need to go?
i resist calling an ambulance…they are so freekin’ expensive!

finally it reports…87/56...pulse at 101…these numbers aren’t good.
the person i call to take me to ER doesn’t answer…damnit.

i try to think back…did i take my morphine the right way?
i wonder - - did i wake half way and take a second dose by mistake and overdose myself? damnit~!

i need to sit up – to get up…push myself to a conscious state.

this is what i have feared the most… i’m alone, struggling to breathe.
yeah, i’m joe tough guy if i can meet death on my own terms. quick and easy..
i can walk in front of a bus with no problem. lights on, lights out. done.
not waking up is just fine.
this fucking around BS ain’t cool.
does that make me a coward?
i hope not.

i drift off to sleep again…
sometime later i will awake again…still feeling hot, sweating like crazy, breathing still labored and shallow.
as before, i find it difficult to move
i need to pee…i finally find the strength and clarity to stagger off to the water closet and take care of that.
later my nose will cause me to question if i actually made it in time.{did i pee myself just a little? eeww ~!}
i return and sit awake for a bit...test my blood pressure again…
my head hurts like hell but i feel good enough to refrain from another emergency room trip
i let myself drift off to sleep again, well knowing i could have just as easily not awoke
one of these times my ticker is going to slow down just a little to much