Judged by 12…

How long has he been in office?

Three events...(four) have put us in a mood. If they haven’t they should have.

One military base, The White House, and most recently...an airplane.(or two)

Two of the criminals have direct connections and contact with fucking Yemen.
They are not "suspects". They are not innocent until proven guilty.
They are guilty and should be treated as such. Criminals of war. Fuck your civil rights bullshit


Each of the transgressions occurred due to human error. Complacency.
The greatest nation on the planet and we're gonna be brought down because some dope is sleeping at the wheel.... (You think I’m talking about one or more of the stooges responsible for each of these sideshows when I could be talking about Mr. Stooge himself.)

Didn't a plane (Northwest 188) just recently miss the freekin' airport it was supposed to land at because the pilots were - what - scratching their asses? ?
( o.k. I have before spoken of my disdain for e-mail forwarding and lazy copy/paste blogging etc. All to often it makes writings bloated and tiring, but I have succumbed to the humor value of certain works and conceded to the voices that I may be a bit neurotic occasionally)

from: http://www.minnpost.com/douggrow/2009/12/16/14364/ntsb_report_heres_how_to_overshoot_an_airport

Remember David Letterman's Top 10 list about the flight?
The top three "pilot excuses'' on the Letterman list were: 3, "According to our map, we only missed target by half-an-inch.'' 2, "For a change, decided to send luggage to the right city and lose the passengers.'' 1, "Thought we saw balloon boy.''

The article later explains the following:
They had to know they were in trouble because traffic control wanted to know if "the cockpit was secure.''
That question was asked on two separate occasions because air officials in both Denver and Minneapolis were discussing whether fighter jets needed to be scrambled to check out what was happening with Flight 188.

OK.. Singularly you might let all these events go by as you rush through your day…

They seem so far away.. Do they really affect me? Dropped the kid at daycare, gassed the car, mailed all the bills…I’m good!

9-11 was so long ago.. far away from me here in CA….

Here's how it affects Y-O-U.

Well, three security breeches set the country on heightened alert…

Some dumb ass pilot asleep at the wheel over shoots his stop and a coupla fighter jets get scrambled…

The co-pilots answer to the control towers question of are u ok?” is garbled and misunderstood because his mouth is full of philly cheese steak samwhich slurping a Coke-cola (the original recipe now known as “Classic”, not the crappy new recipe) while taking his union specified break no matter when or where his fat ass is so the scrambled jet fighter shoots his happy ass outta the sky.

My kid was on that plane.

All that seemingly distant political drama just came home.

That’s why we are there.
That’s why we have to go there.
That’s why we have to be there until it’s done.
This is why have to give them permission to do the job that needs to be done. All too much energy is spent worrying about someone’s or a group of someone’s rights or feelings or whatever.

Someone will die.
Will it be your daughter? Will it be your son?
As a society we have become to comfortable.

We have been sending someone else out to collect chickens and eggs.
We forget that somebody hasta collect eggs and hatchet the chicken.
Feathers get ruffled. It’s OK.

We are still “there” because the job isn’t finished.
It’s ok to break a few eggs.

Don't forget that someone somewhere has to do the jobs you don't want to think about.
Our (your) society won’t function unless they do.
Remember that when you want to complain about one administration or another.
Don’t bind the hands of those that ensure your continue comfort level.

My daughter went to visit a friend this week while she is off school on Christmas break.
She flew to where this friend is.
Although the flight is domestic to domestic, and has different security concerns than something coming from say…YEMEN…But if her pilot “over-shoots” his destination then all those global concerns become of interest inna hurry.

So when the news flashes across the screen of my t.v. about another airline/airport “thing” it gets my attention.
I will feel better when she is home.


BTW, the last “terrorist” purportedly had the liquid explosive sewn into his underwear. THAT takes balls~!

Ramble enuf for ya?

Keystone Cops

Say what you will about George W. Bush, but that poor bastard walked into some of this nations worst problems a president could have to deal with. From Jump Street, he was hammered with bigger problems every minute. More than I can even imagine having to deal with. Have you seen pictures of him at the beginning of his tenure and then at the end? He appears far more aged than the calendar will attest.

The patriot act is unfair, illegal and immoral you say?
When was the last attack on American soil? An American military base or entity?

Hasan, the shooter at Fort hood, was an American soldier of the Muslim faith. He had sent e-mails last year and this year to a radical Muslim cleric in Yemen, (FREEKIN YEMEN !!!!!!) U.S. officials have said. Intelligence agencies discovered the messages, but joint terrorism task forces determined they did not warrant further action.
The New York Times quoted an unidentified congressional official on Wednesday as saying the messages "were not overtly aggressive," but "should have raised flags."

Some will argue he was not a “terrorist’. That he acted alone and not a as a part of a larger organized entity. I disagree. I believe his actions, whether directed or otherwise affected by others were intended to cause maximum damage and fear. Clearly an act of terror and an act of war. He is, as defined by his actions, a radical Muslim fanatic. And terrorist.

He should have been noticed and detained long ago. We are still in Iraq and Afghanistan because too few people died on 9-11-01. (Think pearl) We as a society, as a nation, want to forget the horror from that day. We too easily want to forget,,,want to forgive. We need to stay pissed off. (Think pearl) See the pics and video again. Do you see those peeple JUMPING out of the window 100 floors up? (Think pearl) Did you see the cops and firefighters running INTO the FIRE to rescue those who needed rescue?
We need to get mad enough and stay mad enough to finish the job.

Although things have calmed somewhat, great Britain continues to experience acts of terrorism on public targets at a more frequent rate than the U.S. This also true for Japan and Russia.

Know that if we don’t go there and get those animals, those animals will come here. Hasan was just one guy, and he only killed 13 people. The patriot act and eaves-dropping caught his communiqués. Discretion gave him a pass. <> Again, the failure was judgment.. someone became complacent. It’s ok. He’s ok. We have to be tolerant remember? He has the right. Right?
I have no more room for fanatic Muslims than I do for fanatic Christians. Witnessed knocking on my front door when I’m eating a baby backs playing Late September Dogs…


Racial profiling? Fuk you. Its not profiling. I don’t care if you think it’s fair. It’s not profiling when a lion picks out the lame wildebeest out of the pack. He sticks out because he is different. He draws that attention unto himself. THEN he whines that he is a victim. Thank God we wont have to hear him bleat for long. Geez.
Hasan should have been “gathered” up sometime ago. Somebody got too worried about hurting his feelings or offending his right to be Muslim. 12 people died for it.


The Salahi’s got past all the security “machine” processes and socially engineered their way past what is supposed to be the tightest security screening in the free world. One little James Bond / Batman cyanide scratching poison ring and they could taken out the pres, vice pres and Benson.

I hope staff has all had their swine flu vaccinations or we could still be at risk as a nation.

The damage these goonies have done to the credibility of our governments security capabilities is unmeasurable. How many corn fed hillbillies will now be inspired to at least TRY to sneak a picture with the pres’? Whats next? Crop circles in the WH lawn?

Below is a portion of a publication form CNN about these dorks, and it seems to mirror my views …
Here:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/OPINION/11/28/rollins.party.crashers.whitehouse/index.html?iref=allsearch
Prosecute the White House gate-crashers
By Ed Rollins, CNN Senior Political Contributor
cnnAuthor = "By Ed Rollins, CNN Senior Political Contributor";

November 29, 2009 9:28 a.m. EST

Editor's note: Ed Rollins, a senior political contributor for CNN, is senior presidential fellow at the Kalikow Center for the Study of the American Presidency at Hofstra University. He was White House political director for President Reagan and chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee.

New York (CNN) -- The gate crashers Michaele and Tareq Salahi want to be famous as stars of reality television. I am all for that. Give them a reality television series and call it "Trial and Jailtime" in the D.C. criminal justice system. This despicable, desperate, duplicitous couple disgraced the Secret Service and embarrassed the president in his home.

They totally overshadowed the president's meeting with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, the leader of an important ally. The incident made the Obamas' first state dinner, honoring the prime minister and his wife, Gursharan Kaur, fodder for comedians -- and it certainly raises security concerns for other world leaders visiting at later dates.

The gate-crashers need to be held accountable and not glorified.

Unless they have some excuse we haven't heard yet, the Salahis deserve to be charged with criminal trespassing and lying to federal officers for starters. Yes, they dressed for the occasion, but the Salahis are no different, and shouldn't be regarded any differently, than a nut case who jumps over the White House fence and tries to run in the front door. The only difference is that the fence-jumper would be shot ten feet from his entrance point.


Now this stupid post is a big fat fake. I copy/pasted a fat portion of the content which embarrasses me muchly. I would so prefer that my blog was just My Blog. I miss the days when my brain put words together better… But it helps make my point and also reassures me that I am not a raving ranting lunar-tic as I am occasionally accused.

Ed later writes this:
“So I have to tell you I am appalled at the comments by the Secret Service spokesman who was described as saying it hadn't been determined whether party-crashing is technically illegal. He went on to say he didn't believe the Salahis posed a security risk. Spin control is not needed now. Responsibility is the key word.”

They may have not intended a direct immediate risk, but they have left this cigarette ember quietly smoking in recesses we are not yet aware. But know that somewhere, there is a small orange glimmer, awaiting a puff of air to give volume to his voice and be heard by the world.
Where will he be when he speaks? Where will you be?

One of the most famous quotes accredited Benjamin Franklin is: "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

Get al cliché if u wish, but I feel fairly safe here on American soil. Well, I did.

sinking one at the buzzer...

Asking my oldest yesterday how her sisters game went returned this freekin answer...

"She sank the winning basket (again) at the buzzer"...in a half "oh btw..." and "can u freekin believe it..." manner...

I've been in really bad shape for awhile and simply unable to attend her basketball games with few exceptions this year. I am grateful to her Mother for helping me attend the few games I was able to make it.

Miranda often attends her games in whole or part. Taking snacks and drink for Mariah and her team-mates..and a much needed ride home.

Mariah ~! The one I was so afraid was going to remain petite and soft spoken to her own detriment..has found her voice and is clearly speaking up.

She is still the smallest in stature on her 8th grade basketball team, but she is in mix, bumping and chesting the biggest girls out there... taking fouls and drawing them. Taking the ball away from giants and carrying it to the end of the court. freekin' aye gf ~!!
Watching her run from end to end on the court and push those girls oughtta the way is just great.

When I asked Mariah about it..why the hell she didn't tell me about it when she got home...She replied.."It's no big deal Dad"... Sheesh.. No big deal. - Runt.

I have no idea where she found any athletic ability. Surely not from me..or her mother.
I'm just happy she is pursuing something she has interest in...on her own. Not just mimicking the interests of mine or moms or whatever...

She's gonna be ok..

nearing...

Continuing difficult days here cause me concern.

My hands are numb in ways that that have not been in the past..

My head hurts. Adjustments in meds isn't helping. Isn't affecting.

The continued albeit gradual progression of symptoms despite new treatment makes me think there is new growth yet to be proven by MRI. The next one isn't scheduled until January sometime but at this rate of degradation, I will see the inside of a hospital somewhere before that.

Custody battles continue to loom on the horizon.. What a huge hassle.
There are better ways for all of us to deal with the stresses an difficulties we face in this. Only time will tell if we get our shit together in time. Its a messy gig either way.

I dont know how to make this better for my kids. I struggle to balance their care and mine.

This is certainly bigger than me...So often I have overcome barriers, challenges. Rather thot I was pretty rugged. Not this time. I'm beat. OK?


I get it. I am humbled. Can it all stop now?

Turkey Day....

Just a quick note about today....

Successfully steered out of a pain episode tonight. If I hadn't pulled it off I would have wound up in E.R. The right drugs the right way and ice therapy and mentally chasing the pain away. I know, sounds crazy to some people but if have chronic pain you probly know of what I speak.

I had several offers to come to dinner from friends and family today and the days leading up to now...

Some were fairly unexpected... some from ex-inlaws etc... wow.

Two people brought Thanksgiving Dinner to me as well..tiramasu cheesecake~! pumpkin pie - apple pie - ham - stuffing - more stuffing - ... ohh !!!! I'M STUFFED.
I have more damn food here than I can eat by my self inna week~!

My kids come home from their T-Day visit with their Mom and family Saturday night so I'm alone 'till then. I was nervous about it for a bit, but I'm gettin' better.

I have been bitchy with my kids lately.. letting my condition get the better of me. Being in pain, unable to do things - - walk or bathe very well...it gets to me after awhile.
The girls dont understand. Hell, I dont know if I understand...

Anyway..Plenty to be thankful for today..cant complain...
I hope all your days were as good as mine.
I had pumpkin pie and apple pie..and theres still more pumkin pie and tiramasu cheesecake ~!

Rest well... There are plenty of leftovers to tend to tomorrow... Turkey pot pie usually does well here...Mariah always looks foward to turkey bacon cheddar sandwhiches.

I am both content and uncomfortable...
Are you?

seemingly...

After seemingly endless days of being just miserable, I woke today feeling well.

My body, although still numb and mostly unresponsive to my desires to function, isn't screaming at me at every thought of movement.

I can eat, I can see. Today, so far, is looking good.
I thot about trying to make pancakes and bacon for breakfast for everyone here, a surprise breakfast. I didn't get far. I got bacon cooking in the oven in a skillet slow and easy, the only way I can do it now (it's better that way anyway). Miranda helped me pull it out but it was cool to have it ready for her to have breakfast..she's running late for work.

The others are still sleeping 'cuz they're bums. I've been up for hours. I get bored, there is only so much freekin' daytime t.v. one person can stand. I get bored and I wanna eat. The steroids compound this problem.

Today promises more holiday theme baking... I look forward to the wafting perfume of melting chocolate and sugar from my meager kitchen.

Holiday treats + steroids + insane boredom = too much Cliff.


More later...

happy place...

I amtry trying to find my happy place...

I SOO would like to write something balanced... blogs have been blechy lately...

Christmas season is here again which I love because its an excuse to eat junk food comfort food all damn day.

Muffins and cookies and candies (all preferably homemade) fudge and Martha Washingtons and an awesome pumpkin chocolate orange muffin thing from my ex that is to DIE for...

Crockpots simmering with scratch soups and pastas and thick rich cocoa (snchaaps helps the kids sleep ssshhh ~!)

Oh yeah,, Twisted Sister doing all the Christmas classics in the background is just right....

tumor treatment saga continues...

Chemo, day two

Wrote blog yesterday, forgot to post it until today… what a bum huh?
Writing again today, hopefully it will get finished and posted today as well…

Wanna try taking chemo a little earlier in the day today… it’s a process.. takes hours to do right and pain episodes are becoming more frequent and difficult to manage so I am irritable.

They aren’t kiddin’ when they say Temodar causes constipation…Something I’m sure everyone is glad I am sharing… geez.. Day two already. Damn.

An hour and a half after the dose my tummy is shaky. Ick… But I am still hungry as hell.. dangit.

There is no one to talk to about prognosis, more specifically my prognosis (expectations).
No one that doesn’t freak when the topic of end-of –life or right-to-die topics come up.

I simply wont live like this.. I refuse. I refuse to accept the lower and lower quality of life simply because it’s gradual in its declination. Like the damn frog in a pot of water. Everyday becomes “o.k.” because “it’s not as bad as it could be”, or because it’s “only a little worse than yesterday”.

I Wanna new drug ~!

Despite a harrowing, harrowing start outta the gate, I made to Avastin treatment this morning.




My weight is up to 228 again, which pisses me off. Damn steroids are gonna kill me if the gdamn tumor doesn't. Up 30 lbs in 3-4 months. sonofaB.




I am hoping that I get the results from the chemo and avastin so I can reduce or quit the decadron. It is admittedly by all accounts a nasty nasty drug. It ravages my body relentlessly, physically, emotionally, you name it. There are few if any alternatives.



Local oncologist says o.k. to start oral chemo today. It was mailed to me weeks ago prior to my vacation in I.C.U. at the local "hospital", then delayed at the advice of the same oncologist to ensure my body was strong enuf to handle it. Both Avastin and Tremadol have been reported as well received, so I am hopeful.



Avastin and steroids are pushing my blood pressure up to a point where it needs to be managed by yet another drug. ho-hum.



Mariah came home from Bball game with wounds.... I love it. Battle-scars. Drew a foul or two too... No sissy laa-laa girls here... From young age, I taught her how to throw a punch the right way... and that she can defend herself when she has to. I explained that she can always choose to walk away from affray, and she ever strikes first I will own her ASS. She seems to have that judgement well balanced. Just edgy enuf to keep the other girls wondering how far she will go...

I am stoked.

back to the stone age...

an integral component of this family has gone missing and each of us is painfully aware of the absence.

it seems the remote control is in hiding, and is as of the time of this writing, yet to be found.

alas, a replacement will likely be forthcoming as my patience wears thin for such.
(which, btw, is likely the best way to bring the damn thing oughtta hiding)

Barbaric or merciful?

Will you help me....

Die?


What a scary question...
Certainly not something one ever wants to hear.

A very taboo topic in polite company.

What do you do if your best friend poses this question to you?
What if it’s your brother? Your mom? Your son - that poses this question?

What it must take for a person to reach a place where such an idea is even considered
It’s very verbiage indicates some thought had been put to the idea.

Even now, I still have occasion to need advice from a parent when facing life’s hurdles.
How can I possibly consider leaving…mine are still so young.

I certainly don’t want them to have to watch this deterioration.
Locked in the theater, the endless horror splayed on the screen ahead.

I am grateful to my disease for some things…
To see the strength in my daughters… the oldest so patient and understanding with me.. never complaining when I need driven to ER for another pain episode that I can’t get under control despite the barrage of opiods here to throw at it…
I am confident both will handle life’s hurdles well.

My mom’s illness petrified me and I ran.
I avoided contact with her... I think because I didn’t know how to help her… I felt helpless
I didn’t do for her what I should have... I regret that deeply…
How my kids have the strength to do it I dunno… maybe they are trapped here and just do.
I’d like to think its because I have taught them well.. given them the resources they need in life to be strong, healthy…They help each other and work well together.
I feel guilty when I want to give up…


My own battle with mental health issues.
I remember standing in the hallway of our home..13 yrs old…
A closet at the end of the hallway, stores uniforms, a Kevlar vest, a gun cleaning kit and half a dozen handguns or so..
The smell of gun oil and shoe polish waft into your nostrils when the door opens.
A small snub-nosed .38 with the hammer spur filed off has come to fit my young hand well.

Pressed under my chin more times than I can count…throughout my teen years.. begging to stop the nagging endless noise in my head that no one else hears...
Until now, only one other person has ever known that this ever occurred.
I would be well into my 30’s when the noise would be replaced by sheer blank emptiness.

Watching Mariah with similar struggles...frustrated with the world around her.
I know she is experiencing the same challenges...I see it…
I hope to be able to help her manage this so that it doesn’t affect her life as negatively as it has mine.


A new MRI shows tumor growth.
A cm in three months.
That doesn’t sound like the slow growing this thing is supposed to be.
My hands have become more numb, more often.
My right hand is pretty much useless most of the time.
I worry that I will reach a point where I am unable to do what needs to be done.
I don’t trust anyone near me to do it.
I’m afraid I will be stuck somewhere, unable to affect my own treatment.
That scares me the worst.
I have my own hospice thank you.

Eureka ~ !

Wow..

It”s been awhile since I have been up to blogging…

Physically or emotionally…
But I am sitting here now getting some stuff down.. (then I gotta put it up on the blog so in this case, what goes down must go up….)

Odd… anyway..

I’ve decided I’m a complete idiot.
I’ve always likened to think of myself as an intelligent person.
I’ve never really been afraid of tackling some perceived hurdle.. unafraid to push limits, bend or break rules….notorious for resolving bothersome workplace obstacles others could not.

Raising two young daughters on my own as a single father was daunting but easily doable in my mind

Changing careers more than once later in life was also challenging but I kept going…
So I never real thot of myself as the victim sort.. and accepting help from others was something I resisted out of..uhm, pride? (I’m a big boy, I do it myself!) sheeesh.

So lately ..being ill I have really just wanted someone to help. Actually, to take over for awhile so I can freeking rest. Spend my time and energy staying alive. getting well.
Well, being a single dad and no one else really here to do shit, I don’t have that luxury. Either we find a way to get it done or it don’t get done.

So I’ve been feeling sorry for myself ‘cuz of all the shit I cant do no mo…how emasculating and dehumanizing it is to have such simple things taken away from you...
what a wuss.

I was (and have been) thinking about simple things I wanna do but cannot.
We love food and cooking here and I love to surprise the girls with hot breakfast some mornings..french toast ort pancakes bacon easy, yummy and a cozy start to the day especially when the weather gets colder.

But I can’t stand long enough to freekin make damn pancakes at the stove so I gave up on it inna snit. Poor me.
Geez.
Is anybody listening? POOR ME! This isn’t fair damnit! POOR ME!.
Anyway.
I brag about teaching my kids to cook at like 4 yrs old. Counter top electric griddle. Bowl of bisquick mix dripping on the counter.. pancakes that don’t make it or get half flipped into oblivion all in the name of teaching wonderful giggling little girls the wonder of warm buttery pancakes and maple syrup.

The other day it dawned on me. That same griddle..would work on the kitchen table…just as well as it would on the countertop. But,, get this… the kitchen table is at a height I can work at.

I could freekin cook freekin breakfast again… maybe it doesn’t sound like much but it sure would mean a bunch o me to be able to do that. I could do it from my electric scooter chair thing…

What a dumbass. Why didn’t I think of this b4? Intelligent? Me? Apparently not so much if it took this long for me to find a solution for a simple prob.
I still will hafta learn to do some stuff left handed.. but that’s ok…

Maybe I’ve been to overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation as a whole ..to busy complaining..
Anyway..moving on.. gonna acquire a grill and commence to sizzling some bacon n eggs and pancakes.

Is this what is called a break thru?

I cant believe I didn’t find this answer sooner. What a waste of time and suffering…

Spent too much timing splashing around in despair to pull up my socks and solve the prob.
Step over the puddle and keep walking. Geez, cliff…


Cliff, yer a dork sometimes.

bummer...

after days of missing calls from my brain doc we finally found each other over the phone

latest mri shows new tumor activity and doc wants try start a new drug plus chemo soon soon..

new symptoms are difficult and chemo promises to be very challenging...

we will go back to higher doses of steriods until chemo starts in an attempt to reign in the storm of symptoms..

i hate that my kids have to watch all this.

i am alive...

just a quick note to let people know i am alive...

until i looked at the date of my last post, i didnt realize how long it had been...

i am finally sitting at the computer comfortably...
it has been weeks since i rested peacefully.

i have been fighting break-thru pain episodes for weeks.
despite all the morphine and norco and soma and gabapentin i take daily the pain still breaks thru and gives me episodes of pain...complete with posturing, shaking, sweating and snotting on myslef its awful...
five trips to the local ER (in two weeks), two by ambulance even... what a screaming drag.

my oldest daughter has been awesome.. she is so patient and helpful and understanding.. i dont think i could possibly ask for better from anyone..helping me thru episodes, driving me to the hospital etc..

i started an new drug for pain as the others ceased to manage my pain adequately...
a fentanyl patch... 20mcg/hr (i think) makes me sick as hell.. and isnt quite handling the pain but i think i have found a way to get thru until i can see the doc agian
i just hafta be careful not to bottom out my BP... fentanyl plus the strong opiods i have could easily kill me if i forget i have taken them and double-dose.

my youngest is home from her summer visit with mom...
i am happy... they love to say how much they dislike each other but they sure were glad to see one another.

i am somewhat unhappy with my blog content lately... definitely not as poetic as i would like them to be.. not what i am accustomed to producing.
they now sound all to often like an end-of-the-day report... clinical ... bleh.

perhaps i will find relief in this new medecine that doesnt leave me drooling on myself and i can peek out into the world again....

OH YEAH~! i hada birthday a while back... i am officially over 40 now.. 41 yrs old on july 5th ~!
wasnt sure i was gonna make it there for awhile...
there for awhile, i didnt wanna make it.

until i make it back, happy reading and blog when u can huh?~!

Uncle Cliff...

A little while back I blogged about my brother and his family coming to visit.

It was nice to see them as they both work and rarely have days off together and live an hour or so away from me here in Ripon. The drive is difficult for me at best so it was really cool that they drove here.

We were waiting patiently for a table large enough to accommodate our party of seven and everyone was getting bored.
For the 4 yr old and me, that spells trouble.

My brothers kid is great. He has the energy of a 4 yr old, as he should.
He was running around meeting people, having a great time.

I soon was overcome by the boredom and my inner child overtook whatever adult was ever in me and and idea came to me. I thought to myself, What an excellent opportunity to teach my young nephew something cute. This will surely get a response from his father, and his mother will appreciate me more than ever!

"Hey Brian, Tell Daddy, "Please don't hit me anymore Daddy, Please~!"
We had a captive audience of all the other people waiting for a table that Easter Day.
It took a few tries, but it wasn't long before we all heard "Please don't hit me anymore Daddy, Please~!" roll off his innocent tongue. Music to my ears. I was sure (hoping) that this lesson would stay with him well enough to be performed at another, equally opportune time and place.

Time will tell.

Whether or not my lesson that day will be remembered by my nephew, and whether or not my brother ever shows up at my place again.

A sign of the times?

Coming home from a trip to Modesto the other day...

My daughter driving (of course), we were driving past an elementary school.
I noticed several of the children, or groups of children had adult males walking with them.

Cool ! I thought to myself. All these guys are walking their kids home from school !
Being a single Dad, I am sensitive to father/child stuff and like seeing the relationship between fathers and children being cultivated in positive ways.
Great~! All these Dads out here meeting their kids getting out of school and walking them home.

Then I had to wonder, Do all of these guys work a swing or night shift that allows them such a wonderful luxury? Crap, maybe they are laid off or furloughed or some other corporate treachery that has them out on such a fantastic afternoon. (The weather this day was great!)
Maybe the neighborhood thugs, or traffic's disregard for pedestrian safety necessitated their presence.

Crap. I'll try to ignore the pessimist in me that thought anything past "Cool ! All these guys are walking their kids home from school ! " and just stay with that...happy thoughts.

What's Happening~ ? !

Update~?

Most recent MRI and subsequent follow-up with brain doc confirms tumor is stable (not getting bigger or any other life-changing changes). Now we fine-tune some meds to see what happens.
Next MRI is in 90 or so days, give or take a month.

The follow-up with my cardiologist says that I passed all my ticker tests. Fancy pics show only one small calcium deposit but nothing to worry about. Doc said I musta been eatin’ healthy food for alotta years, I think he has someone else’s pics. He says I should be taking some Vitamin D and maybe calcium and a baby aspirin once a day, but other than that, no meds recommendations or dietary changes.

My vision is fantastic now...no more blurry vision or double vision. I can walk a little better, usually without the cane now.

My Pain is mostly under control, although a number of break-through pain episodes have been pretty rough.

My daughters’ tests results have all come back basically clear, with all docs indicating nothing to worry about.

Seems like some the worst has settled, the “fog of war” battling this mass in my head has cleared somewhat. For now at least.

Now can I concentrate on walking? Driving?
If I get those back, even to a limited degree, I could have a piece of my life back. My poor kid, although she loves to drive, (even though she painted the right rear of my damn car with paint from the parking garage wall yesterday~! shit.) can get a reprieve from chauffeuring me around all the time. I wouldn’t feel so robbed of my independence.

A new road starts today. I still hurt like hell, but damnit I’m happy to be off that nasty piece of road I’ve been on.
I can finally breathe.

We bought a gas BBQ awhile back. I think we should celebrate by burning something on it. The girls love baby backs, and they stole the last rack of lamb ribs I had. Maybe that’s what I’ll get. It will be good practice for the weekend ~ !

Socks, soldiers and Norco...

I am occasionally prompted by others to blog more frequently… Some have expressed admiration for my writing skills…some from unexpected places… some from very unexpected places.

It is for that reason I try to more often get something down on paper, wait, up on ether...I mean the net, whatever….
The stuff that comes to me late at night when I can’t freekin sleep. I am usually to lazy to get up and write it all down and it rarely sounds as good in print as it did in my head (didn’t I say that before?)

When I look back at my blogs, I feel like I write an awful lot of negative stuff. The doom and gloom of my current medical situation. The brain tumor that never ceases torturing me. My evil ex-wife, who has barely ceased harassing me for one minute on virtually every level one can think of. Complaints of childhood horrors, the sins of my father that continue to haunt me.

Browsing such material, I feel desperate for happy stuff to write. That my mutterings for once, be positive, happy things. There are of course, some sprinklings of spirit lightening material, particularly when my kids have done something cool, just not as much as I would like.

I try to be sure and blog the good stuff…I also try to blog when my head is clear.er. And I make attempts to review my material before I upload… The damage to my brain from the radiation and the fog that occasionally comes with the pain drugs cause me to mumble and stutter…even in print.

The last few days have been interesting… I seem to be coming out of a run of several days of either several shorter pain episodes or one long one. I woke up screaming three days in a row… drugs either running out or simply not doing there job anymore. I think I have it under control now…although the pain has changed…It is noticeably different now...it is more achy now…set in my shoulders, knees…joints. The muscles in these areas...feel achy, like they are tired from over work…odd…As I haven’t done a damn thing in awhile.

One of my worst habits is putting stuff off… procrastination… I am terrible. Anything that stresses me really gets avoided… bills, mail, etc I haven’t file my lousy taxes in years. I think I have recently resolved that particular issue. Hopefully the tax guys will quit sending me nasty letters now.

Putting things off… I can always do it tomorrow, well, to some degree, that’s not a bad position to take.
Some stuff should be put off, one should make time for important things in life. Yes I know, filing your damned taxes is important, and shouldn’t be ignored. But mowing the stupid lawn can wait over taking the family out for a day on the lake. Cleaning out the garage can wait while you spend the weekend camping, roasting marshmallows and hiking among pines and quaking aspen.
I spent too many years being afraid. Fear of failure.. combined with procrastination and a healthy dose of plain lazy has left a list of “I wish I woulda”, “I shoulda’ things a mile long. I really wanted to do significantly more skydiving. I want to teach Mariah to fly fish. She likes fishing, and I think she is going to be very, very good at fly fishing. She is one helluva smart kid.

My medical condition makes me think in more finite terms. Long term projects or investments seem pointless or too much work. “Why bother if I’m not gonna be around?” It’s dumb, and I shouldn’t think that way. It’s just one more way to avoid stuff. To justify in my head, the reason for NOT doing something. My kids will learn by example, so I better get off my butt and do stuff.


My ex-stepson (?) (ex-wife’s son) joined the Marines awhile back. He is currently stationed in Iraq training Iraqi policemen for the next seven months. The girls have decided they wanna send him stuff. He has requested socks (size 11), magazines, baby wipes and snacks etc. It’s supposed to take about a week to get to him and we chat with him regularly on Yahoo Instant Messenger and MySpace etc. It’s all kinda weird. It doesn’t seem real. Anyway…
We went to Wal-Mart to gather stuff to send to him. One of the first things on the list… SOCKS~! Well, we found them alright. Along with drink mix packets to turn his boring military issue water into something more palatable. So… in looking over this package of socks I found it very interesting,… amusing.. that the things are made in freekin’ Pakistan. Made in Pakistan, shipped all the way over here, and now they are on their way back to clothe American soldiers. Very funny.

What a great day….

My brother came for visit yesterday…
We went for lunch…
The first place we went was closed.. not a soul in the place, so we wound up at Applebee’s restaurant.

After waiting an inordinate amount of time for a table large enough for us, we conceded and accepted a booth. I thought it would have been a bit to crowded, as we had seven people in our group, but it was getting tedious waiting.

I was “lucky” to have the chair at the end of the table, which allows more elbow room, but ya gotta tolerate all the foot traffic around you. Then the server has to lean past you whenever she is pouring drinks or bringing food...so it ain’t all bad. ; )

My brother was accompanied by his awesome wife and child…a son 4 years old. This kid is wired for sound…he is so full of energy… seems at times more than his share. He is absolutely fantastic, completely lovable…very funny, very smart. But he reminds me of why I don’t want anymore kids. I am simply too old and tired… I couldn’t start over with any new ones… whew~! I love mine, and him, and kids in general. I just don’t have the strength for any little ones.

Anyhow… lunch was great.. the food and service were great. My kids got along well…which is cool ‘cuz they have been biting each other on the ass for days… over anything, everything, or nothing.. geez. (I’ve been ducking a lot lately).

We don’t often get to see each other anymore, especially all of us at once. My brother, his wife, kid…both of my daughters…it was really just very nice. I had a good day in the sense of managing pain and mobility, which means I was able to enjoy everyone’s company without my medical condition clouding up the day.

So anyway… This day can go in the really damn good column…In the long list of shitty days, mediocre days, good days, and days I don’t even freekin’ remember…yesterday is at the top of the list. Definitely one I would do again.

Overall my symptoms are becoming more and more manageable. I am walking without the cane more often. Pain is becoming more manageable. Hopefully this is a trend…and hopefully the upcoming tests and results will prove to be as positive.

Chalk...

Chalk today up as....?

Hell I dunno...

Good day or bad?
I woke up on time...(for me, this means I was able to successfully pry my youngest out of bed in time to get her to school on time)

I promptly went back to bed and slept off and on the rest of the day.
I have an MRI tomorrow, and a trip to San Francisco Thursday and a wound care appt on Friday....it's probably good that I rested today.

One of the problems with these long periods of sleep is missing meds. When I get out of sync with my pain drugs and the pain gets ahead of me it can be ugly ...hard to get control of again.
Today was one of those days... I woke around 8:45 p.m. and hadn't taken pain drugs since this morning.... Even taking morphine and norco at the same time (which normally metabolize in 15-20 minutes) it was at least half an hour before I felt any relief. 30 minutes of crushing, sweating, cursing pain. Damnit I hate it when that happens... It just breaks the strength I need to push through. Makes me so tired...

Hopefully I rested enough today to get through this weeks appointments.

Thar She Blooms~ ! ! !

Thankfully the yeast that has been stowed away in a tightly closed container in the recesses of my refrigerator has proven to still have some life left in it as it successfully bloomed when added to warm water and sugar this morning before leaving for a doc appt in Stockton.

I warmed some bottled water as the tap water here likely has way to much chlorine in it to make finicky yeast happy and added a tablespoon or so of the yeast to the bowl of water and left it alone for a couple hours.

It "bloomed" very well while we were away seeing one of my docs. Now I am sure it will properly make my bread rise the way it is supposed to...
We will make sourdough bread, french bread, and probably pretzels as Miranda has been craving them. I will retain some of the bloomed yeast to make a sourdough starter so that we will have the ability to make a range of home made sourdough stuff... sourdough blueberry pancakes, plain ol' yummy sourdough bread, cheesy parmasen garlic breadsticks, etc for a few weeks...

yum.

HEY~! I must still be alive if I am Blogging~!

Hello…

Here I am, again… staring at the keyboard and computer screen…

Trying to articulate all the literary brilliance that comes to me in the middle of the night but I am to tired or lazy to get up and commit to paper (so to speak).
I often find what does make it out of my head horribly redundant expressions of previous writings…
Ramblings of pain and worry…on to wonderful reports of my awesome daughters and their latest accomplishments…

Health-wise I can’t seem to make up my mind if I am getting better or worse…
Vision is much better, with both eyes open and in working order most days. Pain management is usually under control, although some episodes continue to plaque my perception of continued progress.

My brother reminds me to try and take heart in what things I “can do” instead of the things I “can’t do”…Find happiness in the good stuff instead of all the negative.
All very cliché … just not easy to do when your breakfast includes 11 prescription meds each day and most days are spent dodging pain and planning for the repercussions for activities everyone else does without thinking…

I missed an important stress test for my heart Tuesday.. I felt so sick.. mostly tumor sick…fatigue, pain, edema, I just couldn’t make the ride in the car to Stockton...it is a whole 15 miles. It’s been
re-scheduled again.. Hopefully I’ll make it next time.

The next MRI will be this month. I dropped the ball and didn’t schedule it yet, but I will make a phone call in the morning and fix that. I plain forgot I was supposed to schedule it.. I thought they were gonna schedule it so I just waited. oops.
I am a little afraid to do it. Afraid of what they might find. Crap.

I will get the cardiac stress test results and the MRI results within days of each other. I know there is probs with my heart. It has shown in other tests. Hmm.
Dunno what to think about the MRI results.


It’s going to be a very, very long month.

Morning ~ !

3:30 am what a lousy time to be so awake it screws up my schedule so bad…


Anyway, I just wanted to blog something real quick…

I wanted to describe how incredible I feel at the moment
For most people physical pleasure is equated to how one feels after a good meal, a good drink or maybe a cigar. Perhaps having sex or drugs…

It could be that for me as well…but today, right now.. it is the complete absence of pain, control of my body, and simply clear vision.

I woke for whatever reason (my daughters’ damned nagging cough probably, she’s sleeping on the other couch next to me) and noticed how well I feel…

None of the pain that had cursed me for the last several days is present..
The edema in my legs that has kept them burning hot and weepy for days is nearly absent altogether.
It doesn’t hurt to breathe or move or anything.
I can see clearly…I grabbed the awesome little dollar-store bamboo back-scratcher and chased a few elusive itchy spots on my back…(BTW, those little cheapo bamboo scratchers are the best damn dollars I ever spent)

Anyway, I’ll probably feel good like this for an hour, maybe two.. then I’ll be back to the days normal battle with pain and mobility..
The good news is I am getting better at balancing the meds…so long as I keep up on the morphine I am pretty good…Yes I know that probably makes me sound like a junkie or something.
That’s OK I suppose… The med lets me function reasonably in public, and people are allowed the think whatever they like.

Now, if I could just get Mariah over this damned awful cough.

Leftovers…

Tonight, dinner consisted of leftovers…
Soup left over from last night’s dinner…plus a loaf of buttery garlic french bread
My oldest daughter sought out and selected a soup recipe from food networks website.



It is our favorite resource for recipes or information.

She chose a chicken soup recipe and we were off to the store to get what we didn’t have on the shelf.
(I had to go as the recipe called for white wine)

The soup was awesome last night, and after slumbering the night away in our fridge, the flavors had plenty of time to meld into an even more impressive bowl of goodness…

I love that she isn’t afraid of the kitchen. She sought out what she wanted for dinner, we discussed what components we had, what we could do for substitutions. How each substitution would affect the final product. She knows now nearly as much as I do in the kitchen…she’s gonna be fine.

Afterwards they each resigned themselves to a brief afternoon nap and awoke ready for the planned Smores event. They had purchased a “Smores” Maker” for me years ago, and it had gone unused for too long. (it consists of a wooden base with pockets for graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate pieces on a turntable so each person can take a turn roasting their marshmallow for their smore)

It requires the use of sterno, and I regrettably resisted using it for one reason or another…

Well, tonight I released whatever silly reservations I had… grabbed a couple cans of sterno and told the girls we were doin’ Smores after dinner…We made gooey, fiery yummy Smores at the dinner table…they were great. I ate a few marshmallows just roasted… the smell and taste of burned marshmallow took me back to fireside roasting in the sitting in the dirt. After searching out a serviceable downed branch we would whittle down the tip and any side branches the selected tool was stashed near the campsite but hidden well enuf to keep brothers or cousins from acquiring the valued implement.
The memory is at least as good as the pleasure of simply eating the product…

The night is ending on a fairly decent note for me…I am able to walk and move without to much difficulty. The last few days have been difficult. The simple act of bringing a spoon full of soup to my mouth was arduous, slow and painful. I am at the end of the process of reducing one of my meds…
I am unsure if the new level has anything to do with how I have been feeling. I will continue at the new doses for a time in hopes that (we) find doses that are therapeutic enough to treat my condition and allow a level of conscious and functionality that I might be presentable in public.

Heart tests next week...stoopid enzyme counts are to high or something...

Wish me luck.

I’ve been at the keyboard too long.. blog more later.. my back hurts from sitting here… I need a better chair.

Later!

Man vs Wild

Wow…

My home is currently being invaded non stop…by little black ants that refuse to leave. I have set out three kinds of poison.. scrub and clean and wipe the damn counter top over and over…the march continues. It seems they don’t know this is supposed to kill them.. or at least discourage them sufficiently to go elsewhere….
The crap I got at walmart did little to ward the little bastards off so I went to home depot in hopes of finding something a little more robust. One of their associates was more than happy to help me find a few things and even offered special assistance in checking out, handling my purchases etc.

My oldest kid convinced me to leave shortly after finding what we needed, narrowly averting the dreaded up and down aisle after aisle lost for hours in delusional wandering…

Leaving home depot, Miranda wanted a slushy from the place in front of the store.. she remembers them fondly and had her heart set on one.. so we got her one and mariah was hungry but when given the choice preferred in ‘n out as opposed to the dog or smoked sausage on the menu there….

Shortly after getting our food at the burger place… a guy came up to our table, introduced himself and asked permission to pray for me. To pray for healing and relief from my pain. Healing for myself and for my family. Seems he was passing through…lives up in the Mariposa / Yosemite region and felt compelled to touch me. Hmm.
Thank you, Dave.

I must really look like hell…twice in the space of an hour or so, total strangers went out of their way to try and help me…
I’m wearing clean fresh clothes,, brushed my tooth…kids were very well behaved…
Geez.

In the wild the lame get eaten…
A limping or lagging herd animal is quickly consumed by a predator.
The culling of the weak ensures the survival of the stronger of the species…

Evolved are we?



Uhm..
Unsure what to think of yesterday.
Still processing…


Feedback is welcome…

title? I hate trying to title these damn blogs...

Have had another run of crappy days…mediocre success managing pain.
Makes me real bitchy…Not fair to other people in the house, but they do a pretty good job of recognizing when I’m hurting and don’t take it personally.

Latest on tumor status is just waiting… watching... reducing meds…watching monitoring symptoms. MRI’s for me will be months apart now unless new symptoms require sooner.
Stress tests for my ticker next week… Seems the steroids used to treat the tumor in my head have lead to a buildup of water on the left side of my heart. Some elevated enzyme count indicates trouble I should be checking on. Hmm.

Mariah is also at a “monitoring” status…her pediatric ophthalmologist basically said “no worries” regarding the findings in her last MRI so I am breathing a helluva lot easier.

Me - ? I’m trying to stay focused on big picture stuff.
Some people tell me - - Try to focus on what you can do not what you can’t do.

That’s an awesome cliché’. It would be even more awesome if I could.
Ain’t easy to do. Yeah, I know.. I should just do it. Right? The problem is, I have too many days that are completely consumed with doing stuff that should be brief and simple.

I can’t drive my happy ass to the store for groceries or to see the doc or pick my kid up from school. Simple stuff seems to take a long time. It gets to be a drag.
I know it’s not the end of the world… Lots of people get along with no car at all, so it’s not that different. Losing my independence is difficult, disheartening.

I would just like to be able to do those things…little trips and stuff with them would be nice.
So we are somewhat limited to “family” time together here at home. All three of us like food and cooking so we find the kitchen comforting.
Mariah and I made like three batches of cookie dough the other night…We haven’t baked them yet, and between the two of those girls I am lucky there is any cookie dough left to bake at all.

Mariah cooked dinner from beginning to end the other night for her sister and her bf, herself and me. She loved it…breaded chicken tenderloin strips, made potatoes and corn…refused any help.
None of it from prepared bags from the freezer. No heat and eat here.

Either of them can handle themselves in the kitchen with no reservations…I started working with them when they were each about four yrs old…spilling pancake batter on the counter top~!
We had one of those electric flat countertop griddles, making pancakes with Bisquick mix. (I like to teach them how to from scratch, but we’re not always completely neurotic).
Anyway, they can do just about anything in the kitchen they want to… even handling flare-ups come off without a flinch. It comes from having the “hands-on” “yes, you can do it” experiences. I let (make) them do things themselves. They hate it sometimes. Watching them learn…seeing them learn…is just awesome. I try to help sometimes. I start to explain something, teach something and they roll their eyes or get frustrated with me. “Dad! I know how to do it, leave me alone!”

here again...

I've been sleeping for days...

I've been trying to evolve from focusing on me in this mess, to focusing on helping my kids through to the ultimate end that seems to be creeping closer than expected.

It's not easy to do when so many days in a row offer no physical or mental relief from the pain.

Crap.

Discord...

Years of strife…
Separation… from me...from them.
Purposefully orchestrated by you...over a willful lie
Time seems shorter now…time is shorter now

You should be ashamed for your actions...more-so ashamed of your lack of action…
(yes I know that “should “ statements are dangerous)
I don’t expect you to understand that ..nor do I expect you to try to understand it...nor do I expect you to even want to understand it)

you’ll proclaim some misguided duty or honor..
trust me it only exists in your world…
here, it’s just sad…you injure those around you with your prideful acts

years have passed since…likely more than either of us has remaining…
how much longer will you continue?
can you not hear the alarm sounding? It continues to ring…
subtly louder and louder as time passes…there is no snooze button…
you simply ignore it…indignantly…

what will you hear when it goes silent?

I wonder if they…if I – aren’t in some way shielded, protected…from further dolor in this separation… perhaps.


they can’t miss what they haven’t had…what they haven’t had the opportunity to experience.

find that in your elegant self-assigned code of honor.



Unfortunate.


.